Screwworms were fun.

     Cattle might not think so, but what does a cow know?

     The State of Texas forced me to take four years of Vocational Agriculture at Alla High School, near Celina, in the 1950s, so I know about screwworms.

      Screwworms love cows.

      A screwworm's goal in life is to chew a hole into a cow's back, crawl inside, and screw round.

      Eventually, the screwworm will eat the cow alive.

      Fortunately for cows, and other warm-blooded creatures, the government has spent millions of dollars to eradicate screwworms. You probably can't find one today.

      But in the 1950s, a studious Future Farmer of America could easily spot a screwworm at work by inspecting a cow's back and finding a lump with a hole in it.

Right and Wrong and Jack Kennedy

     There's a right way and a wrong way to treat a cow for screwworms. We were taught the right way at Alla, but the wrong way was more intriguing.

     Alla's agriculture teacher, Jack Kennedy, taught us the right way, to dab some yucky purple stuff on the lump and wait patiently for the screwworm to vacate the cow.

     Mr. Kennedy taught us the right way to do lots of things. He was a special young professional of impeccable character who believed, practiced, and taught by example God, country, and cleanliness in the barnyard.

     He always washed his hands and paused to pray silently before meals, field trips, and pig castrations.

     In ag class, or while dehorning a cow, you did not curse, not even almost. In Mr. Kennedy's presence the word "heck" was considered "pronoun profanity" and, thus, was not allowed.

     I really admired Jack Kennedy; but due to future farmer peer pressure, I could not admit it openly at the time.

     That was a mistake.

The Wrong Way

     Mr. Kennedy also made a mistake. He warned us future farmers against treating a cow for screwworms the wrong way.

     The wrong way involved a Coke bottle. Not a throw-away 21st century plastic bottle, but a genuine 6-ounce glass 1950s Coke bottle with the name of the town where it was made embossed on the bottom.

     You take your empty Coke bottle, place it upside-down over the hole in the lump on the cow's back, and whop the bottom of the bottle like you would a bottle of slow ketchup at the Freezette. If you do it just right, in only ten or 15 whops, the suction pops the screwworm right out of the cow's back into the bottle.

    Now, I'm telling you, that was fun.

Unfortunately...

     Unfortunately, the Coke Bottle Method of Screwworm Eradication has caused perfectly healthy, well-adjusted cows to have nervous breakdowns.

     Or, at least, bad dreams.

     Sometimes late at night when I can't sleep, I still feel guilty about that old hereford.

     For weeks she'd look at me and shudder, almost as though she'd just as soon be eaten alive.

     And she walked funny.

     To moo, she had to brace herself against a fence post.