Splatterkenesia

    I recently realized I have had an atypical parkinsonism disorder for years and didn't even know it.

    I was watching Michael J. Fox and Oprah blabbering about involuntary movements, which Michael controls very well with medication for his Parkinson's Disease. He suddenly made a joke about losing control of his hands while brushing his teeth.

    Hey, I've been doing that for years and didn't think a thing about it. I figured it was just part of "growing up," a phrase my mom always used instead of "growing old."

    Now I realize it was my earliest atypical symptom of Parkinson's Disease. Which I don't have. But I am getting plenty of atypical symptoms.

     "Atypical" means not enough people have those symptoms to get any government research grants to figure out which drug to take to make you constipated.

     So I just atypically splatter toothpaste all over my mouth, my shirt, the bathroom mirror and even nearby walls and doors.

     My wife used to gripe about the splatters, but either she got used to them or she's learned to accept them.

     The problem seems to be, with the atypical Parkinsonism syndrome Freezing Gait Disorder, which I do have, my old fashioned brushing motions are speeded up 6 or 7 times faster, so that my backs-and-forths and ups-and-downs are really hard to control. Even with two hands, which is all I have.

    And I want to tell you, when a plastic toothbrush flies into your gum or your tongue, it it is reminiscent of a line-drive in the mouth at 3rd base.

Super Splatters

    And that's the regular tooth brush. The electric you won't believe. I know you're not supposed to brush back-and-forth or up-and-down with an electric toothbrush. But, guess what? My atypical Parkinsonism doesn't know toothbrushes.

    An out-of-control electric can not only set a Guinness World record for splattering, but can totally bruise your tongue.

    I did a year's research and -- I only have one tongue!

    And, of course, during this fiasco, I am drooling....either $5 Bioteen dry-mouth drool or $18 ControlRX fluoride drool. So my splatters are not only juicy but at least as upscale as anyone else's.

    Once I finally have clean teeth again, I must, naturally, kill the millions of germs that cause plaque, gingivitis, and Swine Halitosis with my alcohol mouthwash.

     And wouldn't you know, I am now suffering from another atypical Parkinsonism which I call Freezing Swish Disorder. That's right, medical researchers, I cannot swish. My swisher is totally frozen. Initially, at least. When I puff out the area above my upper lip and slowly begin baby-swish movements, I usually can swish around enough to do the job, eventually, though it may take me 90 seconds to swish the required 20.

    Or about half the time I also lose control of my swisher! I may swish uncontrollably for 5 minutes --- enough time to burn every square millimeter of my million germs, my mouth, tongue, uvula and anything else in there.

     When I finally unleash my mouthful of smoking alcohol, I am a hot but relieved wreck. And I don't have to go through this again until after my next meal.

     Medical experts aren't even sure what I've got. Some call it a Parkinson Plus syndrome. Others say it's an atypical Parkinsonism movement disorder called Freezing Gait. Still others say it's gait ignition failure or slipping clutch gait. And none of these folks even mention splatterkinesia or a frozen swisher.

     Maybe if I could spend a few hours with Michael J. Fox....

    AstraZeneca, you want to help? Give me a call.
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