Well, it's back-to-school time. Or as the kids call it, "Open season on teachers."

You can't blame people for not wanting to become schoolteachers. They can make more money for the same work in professional wrestling.

My kids can hardly wait for school to start again. Misbehaving just isn't as much fun when you don't have a big audience.

Show me a high school student who doesn't use a deodorant and I'll show you a kid in a class by himself.

The most frightening thing I can think of would be the PTA with nuclear weapons.

I didn't break any records in school. I was halfway through mechanical engineering before I learned to open my lunch box.

We hear a lot about the high cost of sending a child to college. Has anybody tried to get a kid past the third grade lately?

When I was in school I was the teacher's pet. She kept me on a leash and let me sleep at the foot of her desk.

The kids going back to school this year are facing a crucial decision: should they dress like 50 Cent or Hannah Montana?

I can tell it's back-to-school time again. This morning I caught my son in front of the mirror practicing his stomach ache faces.

Well, it's back-to-school time again. Or, for you video arcade owners, the beginning of the off-season.

Everybody's having a back-to-school sale. Yesterday I drove by a SCHOOL that was having one.
But nobody bought it.

At my school the teacher's class roll had three columns: present, absent, and missing in action.

At the back-to-school sales we had to shop for school clothes very carefully -- for colors that didn't show blood.

Instead of a crossing guard, my school had a SWAT team.

I remember the good old days. Back when things were exciting. When the national pastime was baseball. Today the national pastime is criticizing public schools.

It's the "in" thing to do. Everybody does it. Illegal aliens sit around in their designer jeans, licking a Haggendaz ice cream cone, listening to their Julio records, saying things like, "Yeah, man, I'd sneak the kids across the border TONIGHT if the schools here weren't so lousy."

I don't know about schools today. Next year my son's school is offering a computer course in penmanship.

My son made the "Honor Roll" last year. He only had "C" average, but he got an "A-Plus" in selling PTA candy.

Here's something to think about. The group backing the school prayer amendment can't seem to push it through Congress. Do you suppose the anti-prayer group is praying harder than the pro-prayer group?

It's time to get back to the basics and give our children what they really need -- reading, writing, arithmetic ... mothers, fathers.....

Who says today's kids deserve a quality education? Why can't they grow up confused like the rest of us?

When I was a student I never cheated -- and I have the grades to prove it.

You think it's easy being married to a schoolteacher? On our honeymoon I got a C-minus!

Times have changed. In the school Christmas pageant when I was a kid I always had to be an angel or a shepherd or a wise man. In the school pageant this year my daughter is a cash register.
And what's really sad, she plays the lead role.

In high school I was really unpopular. In the school play I was the spittoon!

Yeah, it's the first week of school. Which means next week the kids start going door-to-door selling PTA candy, popcorn, Christmas candles, and blood.
Last year the kids' biggest seller was a set of plastic glasses guaranteed to melt in the dishwasher.

They're having a Back-to-School celebration in my neighborhood -- with dancing and singing and yelling and jumping up and down. It's going to last all week. It's not for the kids -- it's for the mothers.

Every time a new education fad comes along we forget the back-to-the-basics movement. So now we don't care if the kids can't read as long as they can program.

Now the big issue in the country is upgrading our schools. But we have to be careful not to graduate kids who are too smart or there won't be anybody to run for office.

My home room teacher was the H & R Block of our school. He'd give you 18 reasons why he was going to rearrange your face.

When I was in high school I had two goals: to graduate with honors and without pimples.

Everybody's going back to school. They're really cute. New jeans, new sneakers, lunch money tightly clenched in their little fists. And those are just the teachers.

I think I would have been a better student in elementary school, but every time I raised my hand to answer a question, the teacher sent me to the bathroom.