Now another illegal tip in our continuing malpractice series, "How to Cure the Common
Cold or Whatever:"
Take two aspirin in a glass of warm milk. This may not cure you immediately, but you'll
feel after throwing up.
Take a teaspoon of kerosene and sugar. Do NOT take kerosene and saccharin. That's for
killing rats.
Go to bed with your hat on. This may not cure your cold, but at least it covers up the
curlers.
Hang a dirty T-shirt on the light fixture, then jump into bed and chugalug straight
bourbon until you see two T-shirts. This is guaranteed to cure either your bad cold or
your drinking problem.
Mix a cup of castor oil with a
teaspoon of salt, a pinch of nutmeg, and two ounces of chewing
tobacco. Bring it to a boil, then when it's cool, rub it into
your hair. By the next morning your cold will be gone. Don't
worry about your hair -- it'll grow back.
Actually, the very best way to cure a cold is to eat a Vaseline sandwich. But that's not
too practical since very few restaurants serve them.
And, of course, if all else fails, you could try dying. That sometimes works.
