You can tell it's almost Father's Day. The kids suddenly want to stop at all the garage sales.

     Father's Day is not such a big deal simply because, even when a man becomes a father, somewhere there's a woman doing all the work.

     Hey, kids, on Father's Day why not serve Dad breakfast in bed? He also might like lunch in bed and dinner in bed.
And don't forget to toss the sheets in the dishwasher.

     I'm not only following in my father's footsteps, I'm actually wearing his shoes.

     The #1 Father's Day gifts are after-shave and cologne. I think it's society's way of saying, "Fathers stink!"

     Now, kids, some fun ways to show Dad how much you love him on Father's Day:

     Climb up in his lap with your school scissors and offer to clip the hairs in his nose.

     Let him know, when you grow up, you want a pot belly just like his.

     Paint some pretty flowers and balloons on his golf clubs.

     Tell him anytime he wants he can use your "Tinker Bell" cologne.

     Promise to give some serious thought to a token allowance rebate to help him pay the electric bill.

     Tell him you do understand how hard it is to make ends meet these days and that you'll never again call the dirty Dial-A-Joke long distance.

     Offer to clean the peanut butter and jelly off his jig saw.

     Promise to stop wearing his old shirts to play dress-up when HE stops wearing them to play dress-up.

     Stick the garden hose through a bedroom window and wash his closet.

     Remember, kids, Dad always appreciates a gift you make yourself -- especially if you were planning to borrow the money from him in the first place.

     On Father's Day every dad likes to be taken out to lunch. And, of course, it's also nice to go pick him up afterwards.

     Remember, kids, one of the nicest things you can do for dad on Father's Day is not to give mom a headache.

      Every year my mom gave my dad the perfect Father's Day gift. She sent all us kids to summer camp for two weeks.

      My daughter always makes my Father's Day gift. This year she tossed some flowers into the blender and made some cologne. It smells great, but everywhere I go bees keep trying to pollinate me.

     Want to really surprise your dad on Father's Day? Ask him for advice.
     Clean out the garage for him.
     Tell him you love him a whole hardware-store-full.
     Ask him to autograph a baseball.

     Show your dad you really appreciate all the things he’s done. Lend him the keys to your car.

     The perfect Father's Day gift? Take Mom on vacation with you.

     Fathers Day brings out my paternal instincts. An hour of babysitting takes them away.

     I know what I'm getting for Father's Day. Last night my daughter asked me what size aftershave I wear.

     I always get aftershave. Last year I got raspberry.
     My daughter made it -- out of corn oil and Kool Aid.
     At church, people around me sniffed through the whole sermon.

    The year before she got me Odor Eater Cologne.

    My dad's not real affectionate. The last time he hugged me I think it was called a "half-Nelson."

    I suspected Dad wasn’t thrilled with me when the Tooth Fairy started leaving Greyhound tickets.

     Father's Day always worries me. I'm afraid I'll get a gift I can't afford.

     The world champion father was Mushidi, king of the old Belgian Congo, who had 910 children and 5,000 wives. With 4,090 wives who never had children, Mushidi obviously couldn't keep up.
     Mushidi was executed in 1910 for killing 27 of his wives. The other 4,963 wives probably died of boredom.

     With 910 children and 5,000 wives, if King Mushidi was alive today, he could probably fill his swimming pool with aftershave.

      Moulay Ismail, the 18th century Moroccan emperor, fathered 888 children: 548 sons and 340 daughters. He was too busy to count his wives.

      Nowadays, Father's Day is a good day to thank Dad for not running away from home.

     My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.

     Father's Day is the day we honor dear old dad -- if we can find him. Good places to look:
     - At the golf course -- in the rough.
     - At the bank -- cursing the ATM machine.
     - On top of the house -- trying to trying to hook up the dish before the game starts.
     - Under the car -- watching the oil drip.
     - At the hardware store bragging to a total stranger about his kids.

     Father's Day is the day you give Dad something you found in the discount bin at the Dollar Store and bought with the leftover money you borrowed from him to buy Mom something cool for Mother's Day at (Bloomingdale's).

     Traditionally, on Father's Day fathers wear a red flower if their father is living and a white flower if he's dead. And if they have a nagging wife and a house full of screaming kids, they wear a pink flower -- which means they are living but wish they were dead.

     On Father’s Day I make the ultimate sacrifice for the father of my children. I agree with everything he says.

     Fathers’s Day is a day when fathers and sons can take all the time they need to catch up with each other. In fact, Dad and I have set aside the entire 7th-inning stretch.

     I like Father's Day because my kids obey me. I always tell them not to spend much on gifts, and they never do.

     My daughter said, "What kind of gifts do you like best, Daddy?"
     I said, "I like stuff from the hardware store."
     So she bought me a screw.

      She said, "What do you want for Father's Day, Daddy?"
      I said, "I want a sawhorse."
      She said, "Ooooh, gross!"

      She couldn't decide whether to get me cologne or something to wear. So she got me a Scratch 'N Sniff tie.

     My son wants 50% of my Father's Day gifts. He says, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't even be a father.

     The person who said any gift is better than no gift never got a Father's Day gift.

     The family took me out to dinner for Father's Day. I won't say what kind of restaurant it was, but the Father's Day Special was left over from Mother's Day.

     My kids don't appreciate my sense of humor. It shows in the Father's Day card they bought me. On the front of the card it says, "Get Well."

     My daughter is very creative. For Father's Day she knitted me a pair of socks out of dental floss.
     At least I won't have to worry about plaque buildup around my toes.

     On Father’s Day we took Dad to an all-you-can-eat buffet, and then brought him home and sat him in front of an all-you-can-watch TV.