Halloween Fun-Liners

Halloween Fun

by Joe Hickman, HaLife.com

You see a lot of Jack-O-Lanterns this time of year. Halloween is one of two days for hollow heads with smiling faces. The other one is Election Day.

This Halloween I'll be the scariest ever. I'm going out in my bridesmaid dress.

The scariest thing about Halloween is that kids don't need to buy anything special for it. They already have the weird clothes, the black lipstick, and black nail polish.

Halloween teaches children a very important lesson: It's okay to take candy from strangers as long as you give your parents half.

We're not letting our kids go trick-or-treating this year. It's not that we're afraid of them getting hurt -- it's just that they still haven't finished all the candy they got last year.

Important things to remember on Halloween:

	Never eat any bite-size treat that has six legs
	Never snicker at a witch idling her broom at a stop light.
	Never chew out a ghost for tearing the label off his sheet.
	Be sure to have your goblin neutered.
	Do not give fat trick-or-treaters chocolate candy or bean burritos.
	Make sure your child's costume is flame-retardant in case it's cold and he decides to sit on a jack-o-lantern.
	Give any kid trick-or-treating with a chain saw an extra Snickers.
	You won't get as many treats if you go out in some neighborhoods as Osama bin Laden.
	Any witch wearing an NRA sweatshirt might be riding an assault broom.
	Never trust a topless witch.
	No matter how tempting it is, never offer to smell a child's feet.
	Vampires suck!

     When all the monsters, goblins, and witches come calling, you know it's either Halloween or your family reunion.

     The big challenge for most wives and daughters is how to carve a pumpkin to make it look like a Jill-O-Lantern.

     For Halloween I was gonna wear a football uniform and impersonate a pro football player, but a lot of guys are already doing that -- the (Oakland Raiders).

I don't believe in Halloween, but I do believe in free candy.

Some of the scariest things I can think of:

	A stuffed toy that looks like Howard Stern.
	Being stuck in an elevator with the Dixie Chicks and Condoleezza Rice.
	Getting your Tim McGraw belt buckle stuck in your belly button.
	Suddenly realizing your date’s nose ring is actually a zit.
	The HMO calling and saying your new primary provider is Dr. Ruth..
	Noticing something moving in the last bite of your burrito.

	Richard Simmons singing "The Messiah."
	Running into Joan Rivers in a haunted house.
	Noticing your skin turning the color of a Bud Light.
	Dck Cheney in a tank!
	Being convicted and sentenced to teach Al Gore to shake his bon-bon.
	Catching yourself thinking that maybe Lyle Lovett is kind of cute.
	Having Osama bin Laden as your exterminator.
	Being named Target of the Year by the NRA.

	Osama bin Laden naked.
	Suddenly realizing your date�s nose ring is actually a zit.
	Elton John riding a broom.
	Donald Trump naked!
	Congress!

    Our neighborhood grapevine works fast on Halloween. Every kid on the block knows within minutes which house is handing out the best candy.

     Have you noticed? On Halloween the ones who don't dress up are usually the scariest.

     Halloween is about the only time anymore when I understand how kids dress.

When I was a kid, one Halloween I went out dressed as a baseball player. People gave me candy that was so hard I broke my teeth, and the next Halloween I went out as a hockey player.

Did you ever wonder what happened to those kids that would steal your Halloween candy? They're now in Billing at the gas company.

The worst part of Halloween is the pumpkin casserole.

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