(Jock) loves St. Patrick's Day because he gets to kiss the Blarney Stone -- and that's the most action he gets all year.

      Aren't you glad St. Patrick wasn't German? Yuck -- green bratwurst!

    (Young Jock) doesn't wear green, he is green!

     Remember, if your dog is an Irish Setter, be a good sport on St. Patrick's Day and paint his favorite fire hydrant green.

     Hey, it's St. Patrick's Day -- I suppose Boy George is wearing green pantyhose.

   President Bush was planning to ride in the St. Patrick's Day Parade, but he couldn't find a green horse.

     With all the festivities and parades, St. Patrick's Day is a day the Irish never want to forget. Unfortunately, they drink so much it's a day they never remember.

     After the news we'll have Ravi Shankar on sitar, James Galworthy on flute, and Earline Mandrell on drums with their version of "When Irish Eyes Are Bloodshot."

     And if you're going out to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, be sure to have a designated leprechaun to drive you home.

     A leprechaun is a short, cuddly little guy -- sort of a Danny DiVito with a brogue.

     You know you've celebrated St. Patrick's Day enough if your face turns as green as the beer.

     I'm glad St. Patrick was Irish instead of Scottish. I don't think I could stomach plaid beer.

     On St. Patrick's Day I never go anywhere without my Irish Army Knife. It comes with a can opener, a corkscrew, and a swizzle stick.

     The winning time in the St. Paddy's Day Marathon is slow by world-class standards. Of course, it's hard to achieve a fast time when you're running sideways.

     My wife always serves broccoli on St. Patrick's Day. But she can't convince me that it's fat shamrocks in cheese sause.

     It was your typical St. Patrick’s Day party. The party broke up at about 11:00—the furniture at about 10:00.

     I enjoyed the St. Patrick’s Day parade. But I thought it was kind of mean to put Queen Elizabeth’s picture on the bass drum.

     A leprechaun is a wee green old fellow with a pot of gold—and a great chance to marry Anna Nicole Smith.

     Here's something that could revolutionize St. Patrick's Day -- green Pepto-Bismol.

     I can tell it's St. Patrick's Day. The boss's secretary is wearing green lipstick.

     It must be St. Patrick's Day -- my front yard's got a great crop of clover.

     I hate St. Patrick's Day. Any time I wear green everybody makes Incredible Hulk jokes.

     What's green, has two legs, and weighs a ton?
     A Sumo Leprechaun.

      Actually, St. Patrick's Day isn't that big down South. There's just something unnerving about green grits.

     The boss's secretary wore a green dress. She looks like a tree.