St. Patrick is the guy who drove all the snakes out
of Ireland. Unfortunately, the snakes not only returned, but in British uniforms.
Around St. Patrick's Day you hear
a lot of exaggerated, long-winded statements that nobody takes seriously. The Irish call
this hot air "blarney." The rest of us call it Rush Limbaugh.
St. Patrick's Day is when a
bunch of people plan for weeks to just get together and dance, talk, and see each other.
Then, after an hour, they can't take dance, talk, or see each other.
St. Patrick's Day -- when all the
Irish celebrate because they don't live in Ireland.
St. Patrick drive the snakes out
of Ireland because the snakes were on spring break and threw-up on all the blarney stones.
The boss's secretary always goes
all out -- she even wears green mascara.
Everybody's wearing green except
(Jock). He says he's wearing green Odor Eaters.
Nobody wants to see.
A leprechaun is a smiling little
fellow who wants to bring joy and happiness to people. He's sort of an Irish Regis Philbin.
On St. Patrick's Day the
tradition is green beer. On St. Patrick's Night the tradition is green faces.
St. Patrick drove the snakes out
of Ireland. How'd you like to be a member of
that carpool?
Actually, it would be just like my carpool. I hop in the
car, say "good morning," and everybody hisses at me.
We've managed to locate St.
Patrick's descendants. They own an exterminator service in Cleveland.
I finally found out why St.
Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. They were Irish snakes and too drunk to drive
themselves.
The Irish believe in mischievous
little guys who are always talking jibberish and playing tricks on everybody. In Ireland
they're called leprechauns.
In America they're called candidates.
A leprechaun is a
short, homely little guy that’s full of blarney. Sort of a
Dick Cheney in pointy
shoes.
In Ireland the symbol of blarney
is a stone—the Blarney Stone. In America the symbol of blarney is a hill—Capitol
Hill.
(Anyone) is Scotch-Irish. He
believes in the wearin’ of the green but not the spendin’ of it.
Kiss a blarney stone! Gee, who
else would kiss an inanimate object except an Irishman — and, of course,
Laura Bush.
It’s my favorite
holiday, when the whole world is full of blarney — not just
Entertainment Tonight.
If you admire St. Patrick for
driving the snakes out of Ireland, today you wear green. If you’re a snake rights
activist, I guess you wear black.
Everything on (old guy) is green.
He even covered his bald spot with Astroturf.
St. Patrick’s Day is a time
for Irish stew and leprechauns. And if you see a leprechaun, you’re already stewed.
Some people celebrate St.
Patrick's Day with a drink. But remember, if you drink and drive you have a good chance of
meeting St. Patrick face-to-face.
[Sing] "Ohhhh, you take the
high road and I'll take the low road, and I'll hit the pothole
aforrrrrre
ya...."
A guy told me he saw a leprechaun
giving some of his gold to a poor Republican, and I told him that’s ridiculous.
There’s no such thing as a poor Republican.
Major-league baseball players
celebrate St. Patrick's Day by chewing green tobacco.
