The only consolation you have in cooking for two days before Thanksgiving is that you usually don't have to cook for a week afterward.

    Thanksgiving is full of traditions: carving the turkey ... being with family ... sleeping through football games.....

    It's hard selecting a turkey. I must have been in that voting booth 20 minutes.

    The only time most people have cold cuts on Thanksgiving is when their family starts talking to each other.

    I don't mind my wife being politically correct, but I hate it when she honors our Indian ancestor by leaving the feathers on the turkey.

    Ever since the first Thanksgiving the white man counts his blessings, and the Indians count his broken treaties.

    Thanksgiving is a day for cooking, eating, and cleaning up. Women cook and clean up, and men eat.

     You think the wind causes problems for those balloon handlers at the Macy's parade, you try explaining to your kid what Popeye was doing to Betty Boop!

     Thanksgiving—that’s when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who don’t have to cook.

     We’re not buying a turkey this year. We’ve still got leftovers from last year.

     Thanksgiving hasn’t changed that much. The Pilgrims sat down with savages—we sit down with in-laws.

     I’ve found that the best policy toward the ingredients in giblet gravy is "Don’t ask, don’t tell."

     I have this gut feeling that people who eat cranberry sauce will eat just about anything.

     Have you noticed that turkeys never worry about cellulite, and their legs are the first things to go?

     The turkeys we buy are expensive, but not nearly as costly as the ones we elect.

     Remember, if you don’t know how to carve the turkey, at least try to bleed on the cranberry sauce.

     Remember, for that true Texas Thanksgiving taste, roast your armadillo in the shell.
     Of course, you’ll need a really good saw for the carving.

     My husband and I divide up the jobs on Thanksgiving. I cook, set the table, serve the meal, and do the dishes -- and he tells me who's winning the football game.

     The Indians didn't make war on their fellow man or destroy the environment. The Indians were the first people the white men met who were uncivilized.

     The turkey is a weird-looking thing with wings that can't fly   -- like something designed at the Pentagon.

     The first Thanksgiving dinner almost didn't take place. The famous Pilgrim consumer advocate, Miles Standish Nader, tried to have the turkey recalled because of a defective drumstick.

     My kids always insist I sit down and watch the entire Thanksgiving parade with them -- so when the commercials come on they can show me exactly what they want for Christmas.

     I had the craziest dream. I dreamed Madonna and Dennis Rodman dressed my turkey -- and it made the front page of Women's Wear Daily.

     At our house, stuffing the turkey is a family affair. The kids stuff in the bread crumbs ... my wife stuffs in the herbs and spices ... and I stuff in the phone number of the poison control center.

     I can never decide. When you count your blessings, do you count every blessing or only those that are paid for?

     Today's Turkey Tip. Remember, a relaxed turkey is a tender turkey. So before wringing your Thanksgiving turkey's neck, help him to relax. Make him feel at home, talk to him, read him a story, slip some St. John's Wort into his turkey chow.

     Around Thanksgiving, turkeys are a lot like politicians. Neither one really wants to stick their neck out.

     My aunt gets confused this time of year. She put a candle in her turkey and set it in the front window.

     I’m hoping to have an alternative Thanksgiving this year. That’s where the men do all the cooking and cleaning, and the women watch soap operas.