Still More
Thanksgiving Fun
 

When the Pilgrims arrived in America, they didn't know what creatures they'd encounter, so they shot at anything that moved. They're considered the first chapter of the NRA.

     The Pilgrims and the Indians both had something to be thankful for. The Indians were thankful they had the land, and the Pilgrims were thankful they had the guns to take the Indians' land.

     It's ironic. The first Thanksgiving was the last time Native Americans had anything to be thankful for.

 
    I greatly respect the spirit of this holiday, but it's hard to give thanks when the sight of your relatives makes you faint.

     I love the half-time shows on Thanksgiving Day. There's nothing like seeing an entire marching band trying to form an enormous giblet.

     Poultry experts classify turkeys as toms or hens. The rest of us classify them as Democrats or Republicans.

     I'm a (Cowboys) fan and I'm going to celebrate Thanksgiving anyway.
 

     If you'd ever seen me carve a turkey, you'd know where they got the idea for the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

     My wife's very creative. On Thanksgiving, instead of cranberry sauce, she serves congealed Pepto-Bismol.

     There was no American Civil Liberties Union at the time of the first Thanksgiving, so nobody objected when the dinner began with a prayer.
 

     You know your family loves to eat when they buy a 20-pound turkey and stuff it with a chicken.

    Usually on Thanksgiving, I'm the most thankful when my relatives go home.

    Thanksgiving is over for the turkey when the button pops out of the thermometer. It's over for me when my belly button pops out of my pants.

     Most people can't keep their eyes open after Thanksgiving dinner. When you stuff yourself that full, your eyelids gain weight.

     I wonder if I could possibly encourage my wife to eat so much that she's unable to move to go shopping the next day.

     The day after Thanksgiving is a big day. It's when most people celebrate getting out of hock from last Christmas.

    Thank goodness there's so much food at Thanksgiving. It gives you a good excuse for not eating your mothers homemade cranberry sauce.

     My philosophy is: anybody who doesn't gain at least five pounds this weekend just isn't thankful enough.

     People cant wait for the holiday shopping season to start. The Pilgrims spent Thanksgiving Day counting their blessings. Today people spend it counting their credit cards.

     Our family was very poor, but I still remember the Thanksgiving tradition of going out back to the stump and watching my dad take the axe and open a can of Spam.

     On Thanksgiving it's the same all over. In every home people will stuff themselves, then they'll eat some more. Then they'll have dessert .Then they'll turn on the TV and see John Madden and say, "There! That's what I feel like!"

     I love John Madden. He's the only fat, slovenly guy who looks like an unmade bed and comes into my living room on Thanksgiving who's not a relative.

     We were very poor and couldn't afford a turkey for Thanksgiving. So my mom would stuff a meatloaf and stick two wienies in it for drumsticks.

     I am thankful for many things. I am especially thankful:
bulletThat we decorate trees at Christmas instead of turkeys at Thanksgiving.
bulletThat the people who design women's swimsuits do not design men's underwear.
bulletThat Bruce Springsteen is The Boss and not Richard Simmons.
bulletThat my television has an off switch.
bulletThat I am not Don King's barber.
bulletThat women in this country shave their legs.
bulletThat jogging is not required by law.
bulletThat I can enjoy Thanksgiving Day without having to worry about getting sacked.

     What would Thanksgiving be without football and turkey? Except when the players turn out to be turkeys and the turkey tastes like a football.

    Just think, if it weren't for Thanksgiving we'd never get to use all those electric knives we got at the baby shower.

     It's a tradition in my family. The turkey comes out of the oven and everybody fights over who gets to lick the aluminum foil.

     Thanksgiving at our place is really a Turkeyfest. Counting the one in the middle of the table, there are 15 of us.

     I can always tell when my relatives are coming for dinner. My wife gets out the sterling silver trough.

     Grandma doesn't cook anymore. On Thanksgiving she comes through the woods and over the river to our house.

     I love Thanksgiving. All the relatives come over -- we have four generations getting indigestion together.

     We think Aunt Doris may be losing her hearing. The last three Thanksgivings she's brought a covered fish.

     I was going to carve the turkey, but I still haven't got the stitches out from carving the Jack-o-lantern.

     The worst thing about Thanksgiving is that you have to spend two days cooking. The best thing is that afterwards, you dont have to cook for a week.

      On Thanksgiving were grateful for all the money we have. And the day after Thanksgiving the shopping malls are grateful for all our money they have.

     In one store window they have a combination Thanksgiving-Christmas display. The Three Wise Men came bearing gold, frankensense, and cranberry sauce.

    Thanksgiving gives us one last chance to give thanks for everything -- before we spend it on Christmas.

     I ate so much I thought I was going to have to open a branch stomach.

     I hope nobody ever invents diet giblet gravy.

     Thanksgiving should be on Monday. Monday is such a turkey day.

     Well, I hope everybody's ready for a week of turkey nuggets.

     Instead of having leftovers all week after Thanksgiving, my wife just freezes everything. You haven't lived until you've tried giblet-gravy-on-a-stick.

Copyright 2007 by Joe Hickman

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