I wear a red ribbon on Valentine's Day -- in memory of all the teeth I've lost eating valentine candy.

     I'll never forget that special valentine I got in high school from my girlfriend's mother:
     "Roses are red, daisies grow straight;
      If you keep seeing my daughter, you'll wind up fish bait."

     Remember, ladies, call your husband at work and wish him a happy Valentine's Day. That way he won't forget to pick you up a gift on the way home.

     Red is the official color of Valentine's Day because it symbolizes the embarrassment on the man's face and the anger on the woman's when he forgets it.

     Mixed emotions is when you get a five-pound box of candy with a card that says, "Please be my Valentine, Fatso."

     Valentine's Day is a day for love. Florists love it, candy makers love it, greeting card companies love it....

     Valentine's Day is named for Saint Valentine -- who drove the greeting cards out of Ireland.

     Just checking to see if I have everything I need for tonight. Let's see, flowers, candy, theater tickets -- Now all I need is a date.

     Valentine's Day started with the Roman festival of Faunas, the god of fertility. As part of the ritual, the Roman men would cut strips of goat skin and run strike all the women. Which may have been fun for the men, but wasn't too exciting for the women. Or the goats.

     I'm a romanticist. I always buy my wife flowers on Valentine's Day because I love her. And because, if I don't, she'll kill me.

     Last year on Valentine's Day I tried something different. I stood outside my wife's window and serenaded her. I was singing our song, "Disco Duck," -- she opened the window and threw the cat at me.

     Remember, guys, the color of the flowers tells your girlfriend exactly how you feel. Red means love; pink means friendship; and yellow means you're scared to death of her mother.

     I learned my lesson years ago. I sent my wife flowers on Valentine's Day and she put 'em in the salad.

     This year for Valentine's Day my wife wants me to stay away from her.

     With the price of Valentine candy, you'd think there was a chocolate crisis.

     Remember, February 14th is a day for love and kisses and romance and passion -- but you can forget all that if you forget the flowers and candy.

     It’s Valentine’s Day, ladies. This means you may can get him to take you to a movie without any explosions in it.

     Even if candlelight doesn’t set the mood on Valentine’s Day, it can at least hide some of the mess in your house.

     On Valentine’s Day, romance is in the air—it’s no wonder so many men are disoriented.

     In England, it's a tradition on Valentine's Day to give your sweetheart a gift of fruit or money. Money is better -- it stays fresh longer.

     For most men, ordering flowers on Valentine’s Day is easy compared to deciding what to put on the card.

    What a lovely night out. We stayed right through the last tag team match.

    What a romantic evening! The strolling violinists even played our song -- "The Theme from Jaws."