Well, it’s almost Valentine’s Day, time to find which babysitters won’t watch the kids any longer.

     Valentine’s Day is for lovers. Love means never having to say you’re sorry, which leads to marriage—which means never having the chance to say anything.

     A popular Valentine’s Day gift is a box of chocolate-covered mixed nuts. Mixed nuts: sounds like a gathering of presidential candidates.

     Valentine's Day started with the Roman festival of Faunas, the god of fertility. As part of the ritual, the Roman men would cut strips of goat skin and run strike all the women. Which may have been fun for the men, but wasn't too exciting for the women. Or the goats.

     I'm a romanticist. I always buy my wife flowers on Valentine's Day because I love her. And because, if I don't, she'll kill me.

     Last year on Valentine's Day I tried something different. I stood outside my wife's window and serenaded her. I was singing our song, "Disco Duck," -- she opened the window and threw the cat at me.

     Remember, guys, the color of the flowers tells your girlfriend exactly how you feel. Red means love; pink means friendship; and yellow means you're scared to death of her mother.

     I wrote a Valentine poem to my boyfriend:
     Roses are red,
     Violets are blue;
     I bought my own flowers,
     And sent the bill to you.

     I learned my lesson years ago. I sent my wife flowers on Valentine's Day and she put 'em in the salad.

     This year for Valentine's Day my wife wants me to stay away from her.

     With the price of Valentine candy, you'd think there was a chocolate crisis.

     Remember, February 14th is a day for love and kisses and romance and passion -- but you can forget all that if you forget the flowers and candy.

     Just think, if Valentine's Day was a month later, you could give her a dozen dandelions.

     On Valentine’s Day just remember, it’s not important who wears the pants in the family as long as the wife wears the sexy lingerie.

     It’s Valentine’s Day, ladies. This means you may can get him to take you to a movie without any explosions in it.

     Even if candlelight doesn’t set the mood on Valentine’s Day, it can at least hide some of the mess in your house.

     On Valentine’s Day, romance is in the air—it’s no wonder so many men are disoriented.

     In England, it's a tradition on Valentine's Day to give your sweetheart a gift of fruit or money. Money is better -- it stays fresh longer.

     For most men, ordering flowers on Valentine’s Day is easy compared to deciding what to put on the card.

     It was a lovely evening. The kids’ Harry Potter candles added just the right touch.

     Roses are red, my bank roll is shot;
     So a heart-shape hickey, is all that she got.

     It was such a lovely, romantic evening, I even tipped the guy who delivered the pizza.

     I got my wife something from Victoria’s Secret on Valentine’s Day, but I guess she didn’t appreciate the model as much as I did.

     My wife wasn't herself on Valentine's Day. I could tell when she devoured the flowers and put the candy in some water.