10-06-26
LONDON (The Borowitz Report) — Reversing his
recent position on the dangers of an
extraterrestrial invasion, eminent theoretical
physicist Stephen Hawking said today that the planet
is in no such peril anymore because aliens are "no
longer interested" in invading Earth.
"Assuming that aliens have been monitoring Earth
for the past month in preparation for an invasion,
they've probably figured out it's no longer worth
the trip," Dr. Hawking said.
Speaking at a conference of the International
Society of Eminent Theoretical Physicists, Hawking
added, "Most extraterrestrials would want to come to
Earth to destroy it, and let's face it, this planet
has been pretty much pre-destroyed." Even if
aliens planned to travel to Earth to warn humans
against destroying their own planet, Hawking said,
"If they showed up now and took a look around,
they'd be like, 'Oops, too late.'"
The physicist said that the rocket fuel aliens
would have to expend to launch an Earth invasion was
significant, "and you don't spend that kind of money
to invade a craphole."
In recognition of his role in deterring an alien
invasion, Queen Elizabeth II of England today
knighted Tony Hayward, the CEO of oil giant BP.
In remarks to reporters after the knighting ceremony
at Buckingham Palace, Sir Tony said he would be
working tirelessly this week to study the impact of
the Gulf oil spill on the beaches of the South of
France.
Award-winning humorist, television personality
and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book
"The Republican Playbook." To find out more about
Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the
Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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