Comedy Calendar

February 22, 2010

     America's first successful chinchilla farm was established in Los Angeles on this day in 1923. A chinchilla is a South American rat, whose soft, pale gray fur is worth a lot of money in the U.S. In Peru, they feed 'em to their cats.

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     Native Americans served the Pilgrims their first popcorn on this day in 1630. Followed by another first for America -- interracial teeth-picking.

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     George Washington was born on this date in 1732. His parents moved his birthday to Monday so they could have a long weekend.

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     Basketball great "Doctor-J," Julius Earving, was born in Hempstead, New York, on this day in 1950. Basketball skills came naturally to Dr. J.  When he was only two years old he could leap above the washing machine and slam-dunk his diapers.

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     Today is George Washington's birthday again, but to heck with it. I'm not going to honor anyone who was born twice as often as I was.

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     On this date in 1879 F.W. Woolworth opened the first five-and-ten-cent store. Today the five-and-ten-cent store is more commonly referred to as a gumball machine.

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     George Washington was born on this date in 1732. This was significant because his dad was the grandfather of our country.
     Actually, George's father was disappointed because his son was born without any teeth. So he went right home and carved him some.

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     The first Thanksgiving was observed on this date in 1630. Or maybe it was 1621. Hey, it was a long time ago, okay?
     Unfortunately, the Indians brought popcorn and everybody ran when it started popping. Chief Quadopuina apologized — said he didn't know the corn was loaded.
     The popcorn was a gift from Chief Orville Poppinbacher, a little old Indian medicine man who always wore gray feathers and a bow tie.

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     Drew Barrymore was born on this day in 1972. One year on David Letterman's birthday, she flashed her chest to him. Insiders say that was one of Dave's favorite Stupid Human Tricks.
     Paul Shaffer requested that Drew be booked on his birthday, too.

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     The great Polish pianist Fred Chopin was born on this date in 1810. At first, being Polish, Fred sat on the piano and played the stool. But his earliest work, "Concerto for Stool and Orchestra," was never taken seriously. Except in Poland, where it's a golden oldie.

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      Speaking of great music, Elvis hit the charts with "Heartbreak Hotel" on this day in 1956. You remember Heartbreak Hotel. Where the bellhop's tears keep flowing, and the desk clerk's dressed in black; and they've been so long on Lonely Street they'll never they'll never get back. Oh baby. Of course you do.

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     On this day in 1809, Spain ceded Florida to the U.S. Thank goodness. Without Florida, the only significant retirement facility in America would be Congress.

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     Frank W. Woolworth opened the first 5¢ store in Utica, New York, on this date in 1879; and he almost went broke. So he moved to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, opened a 10¢ store, and made a fortune. Moral: If at first you don't succeed, move and double your prices.

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     The first Thanksgiving was observed at Massachusetts Bay Colony on this day in 1630. It was a pot luck affair. An Indian Chief, Quadoquina Redenbacher, brought deerskin bag full of popcorn. The white folks didn't know what it was, and when it started popping it scared the knickers off of them.

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     Heinrich Hertz was born in Germany on this day in 1857. Hertz discovered kilohertz and megahertz ... which nobody understands .. except radio engineers .. and they don't speak English.

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     On this day in 1985 Peter Dowdeswell of England ate a pound and a half of sushi in 73 seconds. I wonder how fast it came back up.

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Copyright 2010 by Joe Hickman

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