The trademark for Vaseline was registered on this date in 1878. To celebrate, if
you'll drop by your local Vaseline plant today, they will, absolutely free,
ceremonially soothe your diaper rash.
America's first settlers founded
Jamestown, Virginia, on this date in 1607. They did it out of boredom because there was no
town to go into -- and they were getting mighty tired of sitting around on Saturday nights
counting horseflies.
Captain John Smith founded
Jamestown on this date in 1607. The Indians wanted to chop off his head, but Pocahontas
liked John's head, so she rushed in, flung herself all over him, saved his life, and added
a little romance to American history, thank goodness.
John wanted to propose to Pocahontas, but she was only 13 and he
was afraid she'd giggle.
So Pocahontas married some other John, and Captain John lived
single ever after, discovering rivers and drawing maps, and kicking himself.
Gene Pingle of Myrtle Creek,
Oregon, set a world onion peeling record on this day in 1977. Gene peeled 50 pounds of
onions in 31 minutes. He was so happy he cried for two hours.
Today is Kamuzu Day in Malawi. I
tried to call and find out about it, but the operator said the phone had been
disconnected.
English painter Thomas
Gainesborough was born on this day in 1727. Gainesborough is famous for his painting of
"The Blue Boy." A lesser known work is his portrait of a young hockey player --
called "The Black & Blue Boy."
From today through July 30th the
sun will not set in North Cape, Norway. For 76 days the sun shines 24 hours a day. I bet
they have a bunch of confused roosters.
On this date in 1607 Captain John
Smith established the first English settlement in the New World at Jamestown, Virginia. He
chose Jamestown after Pocahontas smiled and invited him to play bingo.
On this day in 1906 President
Theodore Roosevelt denounced "muckrakers" in the U.S. press. In fact,
high-ranking anonymous sources had called for a Special Muckraker to investigate why
Roosevelt’s nickname was a term normally describing a woman’s sexy sleepwear.
On this date in 1948 a flash of
light was observed in a crater on the moon. Astronomers were shocked. They had no idea
extraterrestrials had flash cameras.
What if they also had zoom lenses?
They could be showing your picture right now on the Outer
World Wide Weird Web.
This is National Police Week,
time to support your local police and to help make their job easier. So go ahead, drive up
alongside a patrol car and yell, "Pull over -- I'm speeding!"
Gabriel Fahrenheit was born on
this day in 1686. He invented the mercury thermometer. And by the way, the Surgeon General
has determined that stirring your tea with your thermometer may result in inaccurate
readings.
Movie maker George Lucas was born
on this day in 1945. After seeing the special effects in the latest Star Wars film,
Michael Jackson called George—to discuss a new nose.
The next Star Wars can't
possibly be as good as the others -- not since Chewbacca got spayed, R2D2 was recycled,
and Jabba the Hut went on Nutra-System.
On this date in 1878 the
trademark for Vaseline was registered. Who knows? Without it, Jerry Lewis might’ve
looked like Lyle Lovett.
During a football game
at Cambridge, Massachusetts, on this day in 1874, goalposts were used for the first time.
Goalposts have two functions: they are the devices through which the victorious team kicks
the winning field goal, and they are the objects from which the losing coach is hung in
effigy.
Gabriel Fahrenheit was
born on this day in 1686. He modified the thermometer by putting mercury in it, which was
a definite improvement. Before mercury, they used oatmeal.
Henry J. Heinz died on
this day in 1919. Heinz was the King of Pickles, but he didn't let it go to his head. He
had 200 varieties, but he claimed only 57. He was an advertising genius who refused to
advertise on Sunday. He left much of his fortune to School School groups. Nobody could
have asked for a nicer pickle king.
The Women's Auxiliary
Army Corps was created on this date in 1942. Immediately, thousands of women went off to
war, and thousands of men uttered that famous phrase, "I only regret that I have but
one wife to give to my country."
Goalposts were used for the first
time in a football game on this day in 1874 so winning teams would have something to tear
down after winning the championship. Losing teams had their coach.
Gabriel Fahrenheit, inventor of
the mercury thermometer, was born on this date in 1686. If Gabe were alive today, he'd be
