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Laughs Today!
Closed Captioned for Hearing Impaired Smashing Pumpkins
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►►Check out all of today's
editorial cartoons
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South Carolina governor Mark Sanford admits to rendezvous with a handful of
women. Colleagues from both political parties are appalled. He has violated the
sanctity of adultery. (Alan Ray)
The Pentagon says it will buy more than 5,200 new armored vehicles designed
to protect troops from roadside bombs. Now all the Pentagon has to do is find an
American auto company that's not out of business. (Jake
Novak)
American Airlines suffered a bird strike on a passenger liner while landing
in New York Tuesday. There's a lot of angry terrorists out there. It's becoming
more apparent by the day that Osama bin Laden has outsourced their jobs to
Canadian geese. (comedian Argus
Hamilton)
"Rolling Stone" magazine features the Jonas Brothers on the
cover; along with Madonna's induction to the Rock & Roll Hall of
Fame, this officially places the last nail in the coffin of rock and
roll. (comedy writer Alex Kaseberg)
Lashing out at critics who have called
for his resignation, an unrepentant Gov. Mark Sanford released a
statement today indicating that he might be "too sexy" for his
critics to handle.
-- I'm too sexy for my state, too sexy for my state, so sexy I can't
wait," the statement read in full.
(BorowitzReport.com)
The Minnesota Supreme Court ruled Al Franken should be certified
the winner of the state's Senate race. Apparently, they were getting
too much pressure from people in Iran. (Pedro
BarteS)
Franken's opponent Norm Coleman told Franken
that senator is the best job that he, Franken, will ever have. Right. Once
you've schmoozed with Harry Reid on C-SPAN, you'll never want to go back to
hangin' with Steve Martin on SNL. (Mark
Russell)
A new Gallup poll finds that 46 percent of
Americans now see the Democratic Party as "too liberal"...And just in the 24
hours since Al Franken was declared a Senator, they see the party as "less
funny." (The
Comedy Wire)
The great thing about the July 4th
weekend is that nothing bad can happen -- Congress is on
vacation. (Joe Hickman)
The long Fourth of July weekend serves a great
purpose. It gets noise, mayhem, and violence off MTV and back on the streets where it
belongs. (Joe Hickman)
Our country has changed a lot since 1776. The British taxed
paupers like they were millionaires, and today our government taxes millionaires
like they were paupers.
It's hard to believe we're 233 years old. I don't
feel a day over 210. (Joe Hickman)
July has been named National Grilling Month.
… It used to be National Waterboarding Month, but that has lost some of its
popularity. So, now we just “grill” suspected terrorists. (comedy writer Jerry Perisho)
Government Virus
Nothing seems to get better, but all the elected
officials say it's getting better.
Political Virus
Doesn't actually do anything, but you can't get rid of
it until the next election.
Econometrician Virus
Sixty percent of the economies infected will lose 17
percent of their GDP 12 percent of the time (+/- a 2%
margin of error).
Marxian Virus
Helps your economy go into a depression whenever it
wants to.
Environmental Virus
Before allowing you to fix the recession, it first asks
you if you've considered the alternatives.
Chinese Virus
Crashes your economy, but denies it ever happened and
calls you a
liar.
AIG Virus
Makes sure it's too big to fail, while crashing
everything else.
Stimulus Virus
Puts your economy in a recession for four years. When
you finally
recover, you're 10 trillion more dollars in debt.
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In what some are calling a match made in
TMZ heaven, convicted fraudster Bernard Madoff has been
transferred to the federal correctional facility in Lovelock,
Nevada where he will share a prison cell with former football
great O.J. Simpson.
-- According to Mr. Simpson, the pairing of the two men made
perfect sense: "I guess they wanted the two innocent guys in
this place to be together." (BorowitzReport.com)
Saturday is the Fourth of July. The
government in Washington plans to celebrate America’s
independence. To afford fireworks, they’ll borrow the money from
China.
(Alan Ray)
Now that Al Franken has won his Senate
race, Norm Coleman has now lost elections in Minnesota to a pro
wrestler and a comedian; Coleman, however, is said to be
confident in his run for the state legislature against an
accordian-playing ventriloquist.
(comedy writer Alex Kaseberg)
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford
now admits he "crossed lines" with other women besides his
Argentine mistress. No wonder Sanford tried to reject the
federal stimulus money, he didn't want all his girlfriends
pestering him for the government credit card. (Jake
Novak)
Apple CEO Steve
Jobs is back at work after recovering from a liver transplant
earlier in the year. His old liver had gone bad, but luckily
Apple has an app for that.
… This organ transplant business is frustrating. No sooner do
you get yourself a new liver than a slicker, faster one comes
along. (comedy writer Jerry
Perisho)
A couple of guys from the UK have invented a clock which
literally runs on dead bugs. Obama already installed one in the
White House and feeds it flies all the time
(Pedro
Bartes)
General Motors reported great sales
news Monday that GM's new Camaro is in huge demand. Buyers are
paying three thousand dollars over sticker for the fast,
high-powered sports car. Now that V-8 engines are against the
law, everybody wants one. (comedian Argus
Hamilton)
On the cover of the latest edition of Rolling Stone magazine --
the Jonas Brothers. This is kind of like seeing Beetle
Bailey on the cover of Soldier of Fortune magazine.
(Toms Lake Humor Company)
Manny Ramirez will face many questions from the media when he
returns from his female fertility drug suspension on Friday.
Which is O.K., since Manny has a question for them too: “Does
this uniform make me look fat?”
(Janice
Hough)
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