FEMA says that U.S. evacuations may be needed for Hurricane Earl. FEMA officials say they will make that determination once they get back from their Labor Day Holiday. (Jim Barach)

President Obama said he can’t walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii. (Jay Leno)

Tiger Woods’ divorce is final and he bought an apartment in New York City. It’s making New Yorkers forget about the whole mosque thing. (David Letterman) 

New York is facing an infestation of disgusting and impossible-to-kill pests. That’s right, the cast of “Jersey Shore” is in town.
-- Bed bugs can live up to a year without feeding. They’re like supermodels. (Craig Ferguson)

Justin Bieber is performing at the state fair after canceling his last show due to an “illness.” Doctors say they now have the zit under control.  (Jimmy Fallon)

Lady Gaga has surpassed Britney Spears in twitter followers. But don’t worry, Cher is still leading all of them with people who follow her with carrier pigeons and smoke signals.  (comedy writer Alex Kaseberg)  

U.S. combat troops began arriving back home from Iraq Sunday at airports in Miami and Atlanta. Some soldiers got off the planes fully armed with machine guns and full body armor. Those were the ones switching planes for their vacations to Mexico. (comedian Argus Hamilton)

Hurricane Earl may sideswipe the eastern US and cause serious flooding in some states. Down in Texas, George W. Bush prepared to take the blame.
… This is part of what environmentalists are now calling “global moisturizing”  (comedy writer Jerry Perisho)

An Iranian mullah has issued a fatwa against pets, leading authorities there to ban all advertisements for pets, pet food and other pet products. The terrorists have declared war on terriers.   (writer, comedian Frank King)

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