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South Carolina governor Mark Sanford admits to rendezvous with a handful of women. Colleagues from both political parties are appalled. He has violated the sanctity of adultery.  (Alan Ray)

 

The Pentagon says it will buy more than 5,200 new armored vehicles designed to protect troops from roadside bombs. Now all the Pentagon has to do is find an American auto company that's not out of business.  (Jake Novak

 

American Airlines suffered a bird strike on a passenger liner while landing in New York Tuesday. There's a lot of angry terrorists out there. It's becoming more apparent by the day that Osama bin Laden has outsourced their jobs to Canadian geese.  (comedian Argus Hamilton

 

 "Rolling Stone" magazine features the Jonas Brothers on the cover; along with Madonna's induction to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, this officially places the last nail in the coffin of rock and roll.  (comedy writer Alex Kaseberg)


Lashing out at critics who have called for his resignation, an unrepentant Gov. Mark Sanford released a statement today indicating that he might be "too sexy" for his critics to handle.
-- I'm too sexy for my state, too sexy for my state, so sexy I can't wait," the statement read in full.
  (BorowitzReport.com)

 

The Minnesota Supreme Court ruled Al Franken should be certified the winner of the state's Senate race. Apparently, they were getting too much pressure from people in Iran.  (Pedro BarteS)

 

Franken's opponent Norm Coleman told Franken that senator is the best job that he, Franken, will ever have. Right. Once you've schmoozed with Harry Reid on C-SPAN, you'll never want to go back to hangin' with Steve Martin on SNL.  (Mark Russell)

 

A new Gallup poll finds that 46 percent of Americans now see the Democratic Party as "too liberal"...And just in the 24 hours since Al Franken was declared a Senator, they see the party as "less funny."   (The Comedy Wire)

 The great thing about the July 4th weekend is that nothing bad can happen -- Congress is on vacation.  (Joe Hickman)

 

 The long Fourth of July weekend serves a great purpose. It gets noise, mayhem, and violence off MTV and back on the streets where it belongs.  (Joe Hickman)

 

Our country has changed a lot since 1776. The British taxed paupers like they were millionaires, and today our government taxes millionaires like they were paupers.

     It's hard to believe we're 233 years old. I don't feel a day over 210.  (Joe Hickman)

 

July has been named National Grilling Month.
… It used to be National Waterboarding Month, but that has lost some of its popularity. So, now we just “grill” suspected terrorists.  (comedy writer Jerry Perisho)

 

Economic Viruses

Government Virus
Nothing seems to get better, but all the elected officials say it's getting better.

Political Virus
Doesn't actually do anything, but you can't get rid of it until the next election.

Econometrician Virus
Sixty percent of the economies infected will lose 17 percent of their GDP 12 percent of the time (+/- a 2% margin of error).

Marxian Virus
Helps your economy go into a depression whenever it wants to.

Environmental Virus
Before allowing you to fix the recession, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.

Chinese Virus
Crashes your economy, but denies it ever happened and calls you a
liar.

AIG Virus
Makes sure it's too big to fail, while crashing everything else.

Stimulus Virus
Puts your economy in a recession for four years. When you finally
recover, you're 10 trillion more dollars in debt.

 

 

In what some are calling a match made in TMZ heaven, convicted fraudster Bernard Madoff has been transferred to the federal correctional facility in Lovelock, Nevada where he will share a prison cell with former football great O.J. Simpson.
-- According to Mr. Simpson, the pairing of the two men made perfect sense: "I guess they wanted the two innocent guys in this place to be together."
 (BorowitzReport.com)

 

Saturday is the Fourth of July. The government in Washington plans to celebrate America’s independence. To afford fireworks, they’ll borrow the money from China. (Alan Ray)

 

Now that Al Franken has won his Senate race, Norm Coleman has now lost elections in Minnesota to a pro wrestler and a comedian; Coleman, however, is said to be confident in his run for the state legislature against an accordian-playing ventriloquist.  (comedy writer Alex Kaseberg)

 

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford now admits he "crossed lines" with other women besides his Argentine mistress. No wonder Sanford tried to reject the federal stimulus money, he didn't want all his girlfriends pestering him for the government credit card. (Jake Novak

 

Apple CEO Steve Jobs is back at work after recovering from a liver transplant earlier in the year. His old liver had gone bad, but luckily Apple has an app for that.
… This organ transplant business is frustrating. No sooner do you get yourself a new liver than a slicker, faster one comes along.  
(comedy writer Jerry Perisho)

A couple of guys from the UK have invented a clock which literally runs on dead bugs. Obama already installed one in the White House and feeds it flies all the time
(Pedro Bartes)

 

General Motors reported great sales news Monday that GM's new Camaro is in huge demand. Buyers are paying three thousand dollars over sticker for the fast, high-powered sports car. Now that V-8 engines are against the law, everybody wants one. (comedian Argus Hamilton


On the cover of the latest edition of Rolling Stone magazine -- the Jonas Brothers.  This is kind of like seeing Beetle Bailey on the cover of Soldier of Fortune magazine.
(Toms Lake Humor Company)

Manny Ramirez will face many questions from the media when he returns from his female fertility drug suspension on Friday. Which is O.K., since Manny has a question for them too: “Does this uniform make me look fat?”
 
(Janice Hough)

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 Meantime, HaLife is happy to recommend:

Alan Ray     WackyWeek.com    Alex Kaseberg

Jim Barach      HaBlog

Toms Lake Humor Company     The Wit Wizard

 (Gorsefeathers, RadioOnline.com)

Conan O'Brien       Argus Hamilton

Comedy Ointment       Jimmy Kimmel      Jerry Perisho

Frank King    Jay Leno       David Letterman

Jake Novak     Pedro Bartes     Will Durst

BorowitzReport.com      Bill Maher    (William Hale)

The Daily Show      The Specious Report

TheDailyFarce.com      TomBurka.com

Saturday Night Live

Comedy Calendar     Radio Fun--Liners

 Satire Today      Today's Lie

Copyright ©2009 by Joe Hickman