Laughs Today: Comedy One-Liners Pegged to Today's Headlines

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Toyota Says Cup Holders Still Working Great;
Chris Matthews Sees Avatar, Forgets Characters are Blue

Did you see the Bridgestone Halftime Show featuring The Who? At The Who’s ages, shouldn't that have been the KIDNEY-STONE Halftime Show? (writer, comedian Frank King)

The Who performed the half time show at the Super Bowl. Even Brett Favre was asking how long they were going to keep playing. (Jim Barach)

… That was either The Who playing at halftime or it was the world longest Flomax commercial. (comedy writer Jerry Perisho)

The Super Bowl is a day that Americans celebrate the physical accomplishments of world class athletes by dipping fried chicken in Ranch dressing.. (Jimmy Kimmel)

The NBA All Star game is Sunday in Dallas. This is the event where huge numbers are always put up. And that’s just at the cash register. (Alan Ray)

New Jersey man was indicted for shooting his parrot because it was squawking too loudly during a NASCAR race on TV. Listen up, New Jersey, if you want us to stop making jokes about you, you have to stop doing stuff like this. (comedy writer Alex Kaseberg)

President Obama offered to forgive your college loans if you work in public service. There's more. Next he's going to forgive your car loan if you a run over a tea party demonstrator, and they'll even tell the police it was the gas pedal's fault. (comedian Argus Hamilton)

In an interview with “Inside Edition”, Lindsay Lohan revealed that she is a hoarder. Lindsay said she has kept almost everything from the past 10 years, except her sobriety and driving skills. (Pedro Bartes)

Bin Laden Claims Responsibility for Balloon Boy Hoax

A study says that vegetative brains show a glimmer of awareness. That means there is still some hope for Congress. (Jim Barach)

Well, it happened again. Two Northwest pilots overshot Minneapolis Airport by 500 miles. They weren’t in a plane, they were in a Toyota. It wouldn’t stop. (Jay Leno)

President Obama has invited a group of Republicans to his Super Bowl party. He’s going to sit the “you lie” guy right next to the “not true” guy.... (David Letterman)

Don’t you love the crowd shots at the State of the Union speech? The republican Senator side looks like a convention of retired morticians and the democratic House side looks like an ABBA reunion concert. (comedy writer Alex Kaseberg)

Did you know that military pilots flying drone aircraft by remote control 7,500 miles away from the planes are still required to wear their flight suits? It was an order that came down from the top during the George W. Bush administration...from another guy who was always wearing a flight suit for no reason. (writer, comedian Frank King)

The Super Bowl halftime entertainment in Miami Sunday will feature the legendary rock 'n' roll group The Who. This group has been around for a long, long time. They performed a concert at the Dinosaur National Monument in Utah when it still was a zoo." (comedian Argus Hamilton)