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Laughs Today |
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Hundreds of funny quotes, every
day! But only for those with the
HaLife
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President Bush is in
Saudi Arabia, where he
will visit King
Abdullah... and most of
the American peoples'
money. (Jake
Novak)
The price of a first
class stamp has risen a
penny. The Post Office
says the added revenue
will go for technology
upgrades. Translated, an
HDTV for the employee
break room. (Alan
Ray)
The San Diego Padres have the worst record in the major leagues. It's beginning
to affect business. The team's food vendors say the Padre's are out of the game
even before the Ball Park Franks start to plump. (Gorsefeathers,
RadioOnline.com)
Boston Celtics player Paul Pierce was fined
for giving a gang hand sign during a game. The commissioner is worried about
gang associations. He's bringing in Michael Jordan to teach the young players
sports gambling in hopes it will improve the league's image. (comedian Argus
Hamilton)
Anchorage, AK -- A bald eagle who lost a wing during the 1989 Exxon Vandez oil
spill and wasn't expected to survive lived for twenty years at the Bird
Treatment and Learning Center. Which makes "One Wing" the longest surviving
handicapped historic symbol -- if you don't count Bush.
(Bob Mills - Bereft on the Left)
Did you ever wake up on a (Wednesday)
morning --- feeling like Iron Man with a loose rivet?
(Toms
Lake Humor Company)
A Connecticut boy
took off his Brett Favre jersey after wearing it more that 1,500 straight days. That falls just short of the record set by Ralph Nader
and his suit.
(Jim Barach)
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The American Dream
Only in America. . .can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance...
Only in America. . .are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink...
Only in America. . .do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store
to get their prescriptions.
Only in America. . .do people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a diet coke. .
.
Only in America. . .do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters. . .
Only in America. . .do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave
useless junk in the garage. . .
Only in America. . .do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call
waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
. .
Only in America. . .do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. .
.
Only in America. . .do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well, "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics"
meaning "blood-sucking creatures". . .
Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!
[From Joke of the Day]
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Barack Obama has now
surpassed Hillary
Clinton in the race for
superdelegates... adding
to the lead Obama
already established
after winning the
talent, swimsuit and
interview competitions.
(Jake
Novak)
Sen. Barack Obama
continues grabbing the
support of
superdelegates.
Yesterday, he received
the support of another
superdelegate: Iron Man.
(Pedro
Bartes)
A new economic study
shows women have an
easier time getting a
job than men. All except
Hillary Clinton.
(Craig
Ferguson)
This just in. A new poll
shows President Bush got
only a 41 percent
favorable rating for the
way he gave the bride
away. (Joe Hickman)
Gas prices have gone up
another dime in the past
two weeks. Most oil
companies don’t offer
free car washes any
more. Now, they just
soak the customer. (Alan
Ray)
New ‘in-body’ wi-fi
devices warn doctors of
heart attacks. To
encourage physicians to
adopt the system, the
device will also alert
doctors to available tee
times when the patient
approaches an area golf
course. (DUH!Magazine)
The other day in Iowa, a
78-year-old blind man
went bowling, and he
bowled a perfect game.
Of course, no one had
the heart to tell him he
was in a supermarket.
(Conan
O'Brien)
A new poll shows
President Bush with a
70% disapproval rating,
the lowest-ever recorded
for a president. The
good news: he has a few
more months to go even
lower!
(Tim Hunter, WackyWeek.com)
Jenna Bush was married at
the family ranch in
Crawford this weekend with
President Bush looking on.
The ceremony went off
flawlessly and without a
hitch. Disaster was
narrowly averted last
month when Donald Rumsfeld
was fired as the wedding
planner. (comedian Argus
Hamilton)
Barack Obama had a big
slip of the tongue when he
told a crowd in Oregon
that he had visited "57
states." John McCain was
quick to criticize Obama
saying the number is
really 13 and they're
called "colonies."
(Gorsefeathers,
RadioOnline.com)
John McCain’s wife was
heard saying that they own
eight or nine homes.
McCain’s wife denies this
and said, “What I said is,
I tried to put him in a
home eight or nine times.”
. (Conan
O'Brien)
The Democrats are in a
tough spot: If the
superdelegates nominate
Clinton, they will
alienate a lot of
African-American voters.
If Obama wins, there are
going to be a lot of
disappointed women voters,
which is why I think more
than ever we need a
president Oprah. (Jimmy Kimmel)
A bill in California would make it illegal to hold a pet while driving. Apparently lawmakers think it would get in the way of putting on makeup or talking on a cell phone.
(Jim Barach)
Zookeepers at the National
Zoo say 2 pandas have
started the mating
process. They claim the
sexual dance is similar to
that of humans. She
communicates her needs. He
pretends to listen.
(Alan
Ray)
Riverdale, UT -- Police
Chief Dave Hanson, 54,
shot himself in the foot
while demonstrating for
subordinates how to clear
a jammed service revolver.
He may now be subject to
the “Barney Fife Rule,”
which requires that an
officer’s bullets be kept
under lock and key until
needed.
(Bob Mills - Bereft on the Left)
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