2009-06-25
In the interest of providing the
public with a service it has needed for some time —
especially these past few days — we proudly present
the first failproof quiz to determine: IS YOUR
ELECTED OFFICIAL HAVING AN AFFAIR?
Look closely at his or her
(come on — who are we kidding? —
his
) behavior, and mark "X" next
to any of the following items that apply.
Or even "XXX."
—Has he left for a foreign
country carrying only a Speedo and a bottle of Jack
Daniel's?
—Did he sponsor or co-sponsor
legislation titled "No love child left behind"?
—When he closed the door to his
office, were there giggles audible from the inside?
Were these followed by "wait, let me tell those darn
senators I'm in a budget meeting" and then more
giggles and the popping of a cork?
—The last time he denied to the
press that he was having an affair, did he keep one
hand hidden behind his back?
—When questioned by reporters as
to why he was leaving a Marriott at 3 in the morning
on his wife's birthday, did he mumble, "You guys
ever hear of an Arbor Day planning session that
finished on time?"
—When asked to disclose his
whereabouts after three or four days, did his wife
reply, "Why the heck are you asking me?"
—When asked to disclose his
whereabouts after three or four days, did his chief
of staff reply, "He's on the Appalachian Trail"?
—Has he ever been spotted in a
Victoria's Secret near the airport on his way to a
conference with the president of Gabon?
—On the campaign trail, did he
swear to be "a man you can thrust" and then turn
beet red?
—Or did he swear that he
represents "chains you can believe in" or promise
"four more rears"?
—Does he ever come to the office
wearing the name tag from yesterday's donor
reception?
—Does he ever come to the office
with lipstick on his flag pin?
—Does he seem strangely
enthusiastic about the waterborne intestinal
parasites convention he's about to attend with his
new intern?
—Has he ever claimed he is so
pro-family he has two?
—Has he spent the past four days
in Argentina or a Motel 6?
—When shaking hands with
attractive constituents, does he wink and say, "I
have a pole I'd like you to take"?
—When kissing babies, does he
ask, "Is this one mine?"
—Does the mother often reply with
a slap?
SCORING (so to speak): If you
checked off any of these items, your elected
official is a lot like a lot of other elected
officials since the beginning of time. And more, I'm
sure, to come.
Lenore Skenazy is a columnist at Advertising Age.
She is the founder of FreeRangeKids.com and the
author of the book "Free-Range Kids: Giving Our
Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with
Worry." To find out more about Lenore Skenazy
(lskenazy@yahoo.com) and read features by other
Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit
the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.
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