(OPENER) The hardest part of doing a daily radio show? Those first few words. If you can get through that first bit without making the slightest mistake -- then the whole show is guaranteed to be fastanticly entertooning.  [Toms Lake Humor Company]

    And now, ladles and gentles, if you think your day has been drab so far, just wait'll you hear this -- it's The (Jock) Program!

    Boy, yesterday's show got great response. I haven't been so overwhelmed since the Heart Association make me an honorary infarction.

     Men look forward to Valentine's Day about as much as women look forward to the Super Bowl.

     Today's horoscope. Capricorn: Job prospects are bleak. You will become a camel repairman in the Egyptian army.

     Gee, I accidentally took a swig of office coffee. Now to get rid of the taste I have to run down to the men's room and lick the tile.

     We were going to bring you the forecast at this time, but under NAFTA the weather has moved to Mexico.

     [Goof] I may just will my brain to Toys 'R Us.

     (Garble) Instead of having my tonsils out, I should have had my mouth removed.

     (FORECAST) We need this weather like Sponge Bob needs round pants. (Toms Lake Humor Company) 

     And now, back to today's movie, "The Bug Zapper that Electrocuted Miami."

     We'll have the forecast in just a moment -- as soon as (forecaster) gets through rubbing Chapstick on his eyelids.

     I can't hear. My earwax froze!

     Cold? My teeth chattered all night. And we don't even sleep together!

     This note from the Bulletin Board. Cub Scout Pack #8898 will not meet this afternoon. Your den mother was committed.

     I almost signed once with the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band -- but I wasn't nitty enough.

     Little known scientific fact: If you're in the bathroom--you raise your arm to apply deodorant, and the mirror cracks--you will have seven years of bad body odor.  (Toms Lake Humor Company) 

     And then there's late night TV ... infomercial heaven. Every night another frivolous trip down flim flam lane....

      Let's not say The (Jock) Show is over; let's simply say, ladies and gentlemen, there will now be a (20)-hour intermission.

     The preceding program was erased before a live audience.