Warning! The following program contains immature
subject matter. Immature? Some of it's downright
childish.
Coming right up ... the boss's blood
pressure, when he finds out I got here too late to make coffee.
I like to think of Monday morning as a clean griddle
on which to cook the waffle of a brand new week. And
if anybody knows how to waffle -- it's me. (Toms Lake Humor Company)
Today is
President's Day, honoring mainly George W. Washington and Abe Lincoln.
Washington was special because he didn't know how to tell a lie. He should be
alive today. There are so many politicians who could teach him.
I think Presidents' Day is an
important holiday. It's always good to be reminded that we did have two honest presidents.
Presidential
Trivia -
President Quotes
President's Day Fun
[Goof] I swear, sometimes my brain
goes completely AWOL.
I read the Valentine's Day
messages in the paper and found a lovey-dovey one from my wife. Unfortunately, it wasn't
for me.
CBS executives can't decide if their
future shows should be comedies or dramas. And viewers can't decide if their current shows
are comedies or dramas.
Today's mental health tip for
people who own a pet seal. You might want to consider getting rid of your Clapper.
Okay, gals, don't
forget to call your husband at work to wish him a late happy valentine's day. That
way, maybe he won't forget to pick up a gift on his way home.
Remember, folks, today is
National Punch A Politician Day, so don't forget to stop by city hall and take a number.
If one more person
tells me winter's aren't as cold as they used to be, I'm going to hit him with
my heating bill.
When I first got into
radio, I didn't have a penny. Now I owe $150,000.
[Goof] Well, if you learn from
your mistakes, by now I should have a Ph.D. in Screwupologoy.
Now, today's tip for for ladies
who'd like to run barefoot through Lyle Lovett's hair. Take a compass!
(LOUSY FORECAST) We need this
forecast like Jennifer Anniston needs dandruff. (Toms Lake Humor Company)
This portion of
today's show is brought to you by Edsel Ego's Used Cars. Buy any clunker from Edsel
this week and get a free video of his TV commercials.
Hurry! These babies won't last long. And neither will the videos.
Today's Horoscope. Taurus: Success in romance is governed by the
Constellation Vega, your mouthwash, and the wind chill factor.
Before I go I want to mention
that Brad Pitt was going to sit in for me tomorrow. But since I knew you gals wouldn't
stand for that, I'll be here as usual.
Well, that's my show for today.
And I refuse to repeat it on the grounds that it might incriminate me.
