The following program will be presented in its entirety -- due to circumstances beyond our control.

     Coming up next ... not much of anything -- but it's really good!

     I was having a good day until my cup of cocoa came out of the machine — and there was mustard on my marshmallows!

     [Sexy singer] I bet she could make Frosty the Snowman want to take a cold shower.

     Weather like this makes me want to drop by Pizza Hut and curl up in the oven.

     We're all just one big happy family here. Instead of a salary, we get an allowance.

     When I was a kid everybody picked on me. I was built like a guitar.

     Now there is proof that we are what we eat. The proof comes from Georgia, where a cobbler who ate peaches all his life recently turned into a peach cobbler.

     The bad news is, (Jock's) rich uncle died. But the good news is, he left him the bulk of his estate -- 500,000 boxes of Kellogg's All Bran.

    You realize, of course, with hip-hop the hot sound, to be really "in" you have to wear your underwear upside-down.
    And pierce something important that no man has ever dreamed of piercing before.

    I think that eons from now, deejays will be remembered right up there with highway line painters, ski waxers, and tennis racquet gut stringers.

     Horoscope. Libra: Digestion is influenced by the Planet Onion (the one with all the rings). Not a good day to neutralize stomach acid.

     I checked my horoscope this morning, and it said, "Why do you read this crap?"

     Did you ever wake up feeling like Hannibal Lecter snuck into your bedroom during the night and ate your brains?? (Toms Lake Humor Company) 

     I asked the receptionist when she started frosting her hair. She said she didn’t frost her hair. That was the last thing she ever said to me.

     And now another exciting tidbit in our enormously useless series entitled, "Whale Trivia:"
     The average life span of a non-smoking male whale is 502 years. The average life span of a male human is 74 years.
     When Shamu heard this he immediately started his International Save the People Society.

     I wish you could see (Next Jock). He's wearing his new Cross-Your-Heart straitjacket.

     Gotta go. I’m in charge of fixing dinner tonight, and I want to get home and open that jar of peanut butter so it can breathe.