And now, for the radio listener who thinks he's heard everything, it's "The (Jock) Program!"

     The following program is not recommended for children. There's nothing dirty about it, it's just too high class for them.

     I love coffee. Early in the morning I wouldn't think of burning my tongue on anything else.

     This next song is dedicated to our fighting men in uniform -- the (Detroit Redwings).

     This portion of today's program is brought to you by: > Clyde's Savings & Loan, where every dollar is guaranteed by an agency of the federal government to buy as little as every other dollar.

     We had hoped to bring you the weather at this time, but it's been purchased by Ted Turner.

     Tonight on the "Star Trek" rerun: Before going into orbit around an extremely dirty planet -- Kirk instructs the crew to spray the Enterprise with Scotchguard.  (Toms Lake Humor Company) 

     (News guy) just walked in and I've never seen him so dressed up. He could drop dead right now and they wouldn't have to do a thing at the funeral home.

     It was so cold last night I dreamed about my first wife.

    Tonight's TV movie is about a frontier plumber. It's called "The Little House Out Behind the Little House on the Prairie."

     Now today's parenting tip. The best way to punish a child is to turn the stereo up really loud and force him to listen to music from YOUR generation.

     (Garble) That was my Bulgarian personality surfacing again.

     Today's heavy thought. Just think, if you didn't have thumbs, how difficult it would be to hold the bottom on your Whopper!

     Solid Gold—1977! That’s the year I brought my average in freshman English up to an C+ in hopes I might one day get a chance to tutor Charo.

     Up next we'll be talking with Dr. Heimlich Maneuver, who'll discuss his new medically-tested procedure for dislodging pot-roast from between your teeth.

     At the sound of Michael Jackson sneezing so hard his nose pops right off, the time will be (8:00 a.m.):  (SFX: Sneeze, POP!) (Toms Lake Humor Company) 

     [Tech problem] Hmmm ... This could only be happening for one of two reasons: either there's a molecular breakdown in the transdusive circuitry of the electronic diode -- or I just screwed up.

     If a guy has a heart attack in February, he was probably shoveling snow — or looking at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

     I’m tired of all this snow and slush! It never looks like this in one of those paperweights.

     Everything is frozen solid this morning. You may even have to take a chisel out with your pooper-scooper.

     Amplifiers for today's program were supplied by Earache Electronics, makers of the world's loudest amplifiers. Visit your Earache dealer soon. And while you're there, be sure to ask about their new hearing aids.

     (Next Jock) is already here ... over in the corner ... blow drying his tonsils....