I was almost late. I had to stop and get a fifth of gasoline.
     It was all I could afford.

     I told my doctor that when I close my eyes I keep seeing characters from "Toy Story." He said not to worry—I'm just suffering from Disney spells.

     On today's show, in lesson #87 of our exciting self-improvement series, we'll explain how soaking in herbal conditioner and blow drying can give your entire body more body.

     Everybody's got a cold! I heard a transmission from the Enterprise that said, "Beam me up, Snotty!"

     Last night my teeth were chattering. This morning my HAIR was chattering.

     I finally put up the storm windows just in time. My wife was ready to scream up a storm.

     The boss said I didn't deserve a raise; but after I explained my side of the story I finally got him to concede that I was wrong.

     (BEFORE COMMERCIAL) Give this your full attention. Do not try doing that thing where you listen out of the corner of your ear. (Toms Lake Humor Company) 

     Honestly, my listeners are so marvelous to me, sometimes I feel really unworthy of being so wonderful.

     Actually, it's only 34 degrees, but when you factor in the wind it feels like there's an iceberg in your shorts.

     Solid Gold—1971! That was the year Don McLean inspired me to drive the Chevy to the levy. Which doesn't sound like much, but I was only six at the time.

      I saw Elvis last night. I won't say where, but he bingo'd twice.

      Horoscope. Scorpio: A door-to-door Eskimo will sell you a side of walrus for your freezer. Do not cook the tusk in your microwave.

      I finally figured out how to cope with traffic. I leave my glasses at home so I can't see it.

     A listener writes, "What should you do when it's freezing outside and your pilot light goes out?"
     Well, as quickly as possible I think I'd set her down at the nearest airport.

     Today's soap opera update. On "Search for Sanity," Brenda burns down the winery and then to spite Julio, roasts marshmallows over his smoldering catawbas!

     Remember what they say about winter: "You'll never enjoy the sweet smell of spring -- until the hairs in your nose thaw."

     (Jock) solves his hair problem. He bought a dandruff attachment for his vacuum cleaner.

     Gotta go. I don't want to miss that two-part special Martha Stewart's doing on the many uses of Endust.

     And now, goodbye, good luck, and may neither Hannibal Lector nor Michael Jackson ever darken your hot tub.