Before we
begin this morning's program I must read the audience its rights. You have the
right to go back to sleep. If you give up that right, anything you hear can and
will make you wish you had.
The following program may not be suitable for listeners whose intelligence is easily
insulted.
Well, here I am again, folks,
to put the ram in your ramma-lamma-ding-dang.
I've never seen so many potholes. This morning the streets were so rough I had to take out
my teeth.
[Emergency Test] This
was only a test. Had this been a heavy metal station, of course, that would have been the
#1 song on the charts.
This portion of today's
program is brought to you by The (Suburb) Weekly Shopper. In this week's issue, look for
the chocolate chip cookie good for 50 cents off on a package of grocery coupons.
This correction just in. What was reported earlier today in California as a baffling series of minor earthquakes wasn't that at all. Apparently, it
was just John Goodman out
jogging.
Yesterday it was so
windy I saw the mailman moving fast.
Later in the program (Newsman) will sing a medley of his favorite city council agendas.
Today, in lesson #6 of our
exciting self-improvement series, health guru Annie Biotic will explain how soaking in
herbal conditioner and blow-drying can give your entire body more body.
I just enrolled in a
course on how to talk through your nose. Talking through your mouth is okay, but
in this business you can't really move up until you can talk in stereo.
The Houston Texans will get to the Super Bowl the day Yao Ming gets lost in a
crowd.
I always wanted to be
on network radio. I just think it would be a real hoot to stick my foot in my
mouth nationwide.
I’d like to thank everybody
for voting my show, next to Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, the cheesiest.
Honestly, my listeners are so
marvelous to me, sometimes I feel really unworthy of being so wonderful.
This portion of today’s show
is brought to you by Sylvester Splat’s Skydiving School, where this week only a trial
jump is only $79.95. Of course, if you enjoy it, you will be expected to buy a parachute.
[Drinking song] Yeah, well, keep
drinking that stuff and one of these days your liver may file for divorce.
Tonight on "CSI Miami,"
Horatio tracks down a psychopathic organ grinder, but not until he's already
ground 43 organs.
This just in. Two (adjacent
state) corpses have been inadvertently laid to rest in each other's burial plot. Cemetery
officials called the mixup a grave mistake.
Big weekend! I'm going to an
all-day seminar on the safest way to hold a musical saw between your legs.
The great thing about
this job is, after the show, I can walk out on the street and nobody recognizes me. Not
even the boss.
(Next Jock) is already
here. In fact, he's over in the corner right now building a model of Vanna White out of
Lego blocks.
