Hi, my name is (JOCK).  I have done for radio what the Tour de France bicycle race has done for shiny black pants. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     Today's program will include lesson #38 in our exciting G.I. approved radio welder's course. So, ladies and gentlemen, clean your goggles....

     Hang tight, gang. After the news we’ll spread another ugly rumor about the politician of your choice.

     [Love song] The poor (guy) is so in love, he even calls her when she's not at home just to hear her machine beep.

     Looks like we're in for a wet summer. I just saw a flock of sparrows boarding a goose.

     (Cheatin' song)  Just remember, a man cannot have his cake and somebody else's cookie.
     Lest he find himself in a crumby situation.

     That’s such a dynamite CD it has a sticker on it that says, "Caution--Do Not Play Near Open Flame!"

     Horoscope. Aries: Today is not a good day to get your dander up. Or down. Today, don't even mess with your dander.

     Now, today's driving tip. Remember, when you rear-end a BMW, be sure to hit it hard enough to knock the phone out of the driver's hand.

     The corporate big wigs are coming by after lunch. We’ve already tied (Jock) up with duct tape and locked him in the Coke machine.

     The Fourth was wonderful -- so patriotic. It was enough to make Geedubya join the Coast Guard.

     My wife is still trying to get financial backing for her latest clever idea: The Headache Hall of Fame. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     (Jock)’s goofing off again. What he needs is a nice time-consuming hobby -- like maybe painting a mural on the freeway from (Dallas to Fort Worth).

     When I sat down at the piano, they laughed. When I started to play ... they left.

     I’ve done great in radio for one simple reason -- I don’t have to spell.

     I sincerely hope the rest of your day goes well -- or at least medium rare.

     Well, I guess it's time to leave. I see the team of wild horses has arrived to drag me away from the microphone.