If you see the following radio program being driven in a discourteous or irresponsible manner, please call 1-800-Snitch-On-A-DJ. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     Hello again, and welcome to "The (Jock) Calamity," the only program that actually cleans your radio while you listen. Parts and service not included.

     This portion of today's program is brought to you by Willie Nelson Ice Cream, now available in three exciting flavors: vanilla, chocolate, and chili.
     Willie's been around so long, his guitar has liver spots.

     The coffee we serve here at (STATION) is mighty strong.   This stuff could wake up anybody.  After four or five cups of this stuff -- Wolfman Jack could be back on the air. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     [Dead air] Portions of the preceding pause were recorded.

     This portion of today's program is brought to your by Bloat Light, the exciting new beer that makes your belly look like a weather balloon. Hey, it may be light, but it's still beer.

     Today's rocky romance reminder for men. Remember, guys, never marry a woman whose initials are P.M.S.

     It’s so humid my dog’s tongue is mildewing.

     Say, does anybody know what time it is when the big hand is on the three and the little hand is on the floor?

     Tonight's TV movie is a science-fiction thriller about a giant fly that's pursued by a police SWAT team.

     I love being a DJ. I can't think of any other job I'd rather mess up. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     Today's horoscope. Gemini: Brighten the corner where you are -- wash the lightbulbs.

     It must be pay day. The boss is wearing a black veil.

     Trapped gas on today's program was freed with Gator-Bismol, the exciting new new medicated thirst-quencher that helps soothe your upset stomach and quench your upset thirst. And at no extra charge, Gator-Bismol also turns your sweat pink.

     Well, comma, I guess that does it for today's program. I just heard the security guard unlock the studio door and throw in another disc jockey.

     The preceding program was pre-recorded so it may be properly disposed of at an approved toxic waste dump.