Here I am again, gang -- returning to the scene of the crime.

     And now here he is -- the guy who has done for radio what white squishy stuff did for Oreo cookies.... (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     Please excuse me if I sound a little strange this morning. The baby sneezed, and I have a pacifier up my nose.

     This program is guaranteed to be almost as much fun as a three-legged skate race.

     And after the news we'll hear that great new tear-jerker, "Since I Lost You, Baby, I Think I'll Have the Car Door Fixed."

     Gee, we could sure use a nice cold snap right about now. But I suppose that's about as likely as Saddam Hussein being named Hunk of the Year.

     Even in the hottest weather I stay cool as a cucumber in my cool new summer underwear, that's 60% cotton and 40% cucumber.

     Today's horoscope. Gemini: Your lucky star got silicone poisoning.

     (Love song) Anybody who sings love songs like that wouldn't take his girlfriend to a drive-in movie without a violinist in the front seat.

     Just remember, no matter what the weather is: hot, cold, wet, or dry ... it'll find a way to mess up your hair.

     You are listening to the disc jockeys' disc jockey. Yes, gang, every other disc jockey in town listens to "The (Jock) Program." It makes them feel better about themselves.

     Remember, when you hear the song of the day, phone in your fax number immediately, and we'll fax out a crisp new twenty dollar bill to the first ten callers.

     Now be honest, on a day like this wouldn't it be nice to have a little ceiling fan under each arm?

     Today’s driving tip. Remember, it’s still a $400 fine if get caught on a wheelchair ramp in a Volkswagen beetle.

     I've been in radio as long as I can remember. I was just a few hours old when the boss found me on the front porch of the radio station. I was wearing a tiny pair of earphones. A tiny microphone pinned to my diaper. In my hand -- a tiny joke. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     When we were kids, all it took was a hot day like this to get us running through the lawn sprinkler in our underwear. These days, the boss would have to be out of town, too.

     Stay tuned for (Next Jock) and watch a disc jockey strangle the English language with his bare tongue.