Remember, if you record today's show, you can enjoy it for the rest of your life. Even longer if you take good care of it.

     Okay, gang, another rating period is coming up, and I want you to know that my mouth is in your hands.

     We'll get started with today's exciting program just as soon as I derange my mind. [Long scream]
     There, that's better.

     On today's show, a urologist will be here to answer the question -- "How come soap opera characters never go to the bathroom?" (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     My wife bought some turkey bacon. Which brings up the question: Where exactly does bacon occur on a turkey?

     You can always tell a disc jockey. The problem is he won't listen.

     [wild song] Boy, that's enough to wilt your wolfer and twist your tweeter.

     It's easy to tell a baseball fan. He's either down-in-the-dumps or totally ecstatic --but he ALWAYS has mustard in the corners of his mouth.

     I knew I wasn't going to have a big career in music when my piano teacher tried to break my fingers.

     Do you ever watch Regis & What's Her Name? Do you ever wonder, is Regis on helium?

     [Country] This guy is so country, he's got ticks in his sideburns.

     I'd rather fish from a boat because you make bigger catches. One time I caught a 200-pound water skier.

     Nowadays the big concession item at baseball stadiums is nachos. The old 7th inning stretch is now the 7th inning burp.

     I played basketball. I made the team one year, but I broke my leg. And that's not easy sitting on the bench. A cheerleader fell on me.

     Forecast: Tomorrow we can expect either a heat wave or a snow storm. Right now it's just too close to call.

     Traffic report: At this very minute lots of people are taking advantage of free parking on I-30.

     Our Thought For The Day: A day without sunshine is like a bathroom without reading material. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     Today’s Soap Opera Update. On "One Rash to Give," Margo refuses to remove her bra for the mammogram—and the pictures come back showing huge globs of Puffs Plus.

      Freeway traffic moves a two basic speeds: so fast you can't get on and so slow you can't get off.

      [goof] I knew it was gonna be this kind of day when my alarm went off on time.

      [dead air] Sorry, I was having that daydream where I group-hug the (Maverick's) dancers.

     (Jock's) goal has always been to be a big radio personality. I'm pleased to announce that he has only about 10 more pounds to go.

     This is ABC, the Absurd Broadcasting Company.