Here we are, folks, straight radio! No transvestites, no weird priests, no tattooed housewives, no skinheads. Just good old foot-stomping jelly-shakin' bone-poppin' boogie!

     I was almost late. I forgot to wind my rooster.

     Today's program is brought to you by Blownase, the dynamite new nasal spray that's nothing but compressed air, but boy does it clear your sinuses!

     What I hate most about working in radio is the fact that you folks never get a chance to admire and appreciate my good looks. All you get to enjoy is my outstanding humility.  (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     Know how Wynonna comes up with those hurting songs? She buttons up her old jeans with the 24-inch waist.

     Times do change. I can remember when getting lucky on prom night meant you won the raffle.

     (Jock) has no musical talent whatsoever. He can't even pat his foot without a metronome.

     I wish I could sing like that. I sing so bad the cops made me register my shower.

     The boss has always been bossy. Even as a child he spent his summers at home and sent his parents to camp.

     Spring campers, beware. Bears just waking from hibernation can be very cross. In fact, last year one broke into our campground and kidnapped our Mr. Coffee.

     This portion of today's show is brought to you by: Gatorune, the quick energy thirst quencher that contains prune juice. Gatorune -- for all the energy you'll ever need to get somewhere in a hurry.

     This just in. Actress Jane Fonda's stomach exploded today when, on a dare from Richard Simmons, she tried to use her Tummycizer, Abdominizer, and Thighmaster all at the same time.

     Here is your horoscope: You are gullible and an easy mark for con men. And before we forget -- starting tomorrow--your daily horoscope will cost five bucks. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

    [Dead air] I love these little pauses. It gives me a chance to catch my breath and plan my escape.

     I did the old "jump up and down naked" in front of the mirror routine. I never saw so many things going in so many directions in my life!

     [Oldie] That song is so old the CD is wrinkled.

     Today's strange but true news. Highland Park, Texas, the ritzy hometown of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney, has outlawed realistic-looking toy guns. So now, kids have to play with real guns.
     Which, of course, are still legal.

     [Garble] Gee, even my tongue is a klutz.

     (Goof) For an encore I will now eat my earphones.

     Our yard is such a mess, my wife took down the U.S. flag and ran up a white one.

     I was always cool. I could tie my shoelaces when I was two. I can still do it.

     Don't miss tomorrow's big show when.... We'll introduce a great new disco protest song entitled, "Just Because the World Is Falling Apart Doesn't Mean We Can't Boogie."

     Tomorrow our guest will be feminist Barbi Buzzoff, who'll talk about her new book, Men Stopped Bothering Me When I Started Brushing My Teeth With Mascara.