Yes, ladies and ladies, once again it is I me myself  .... Mr. Goodhunk!

     For those who just woke up -- think positive. In just 16 hours you'll be back in bed again.

     I'm glad you could join me. A little later we'll give you the opportunity to mail in a $50 bill -- and receive a beautiful hand-written "Thank You" note. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     Call security. Call the FBI. Call whoever is attorney general this month! Somebody’s been into my Jelly Bellies!

     This just in. Law enforcement experts today suggested that convenience store clerks start wearing ski masks while on duty, thinking this might confuse potential robbers.

     Today’s TV trivia. Was it Mr. Ed who once said, "I’m so hungry, I could eat a human?"

     If the early bird catches the worm, why doesn't the dumb worm stay in bed?

     The trouble with tennis is that it takes years to learn the game, and by then you're too old to play.

     After the news we'll discuss the exiting new book entitled, "How to Grow Sunflowers in Your Laundry Hamper."

     The weather is getting more humid. Tomorrow it'll be steamier than an episode of "Desperate Housewives."

     Tonight on the educational channel a school of giant goldfish observes its annual spring ritual by swallowing a college student.

     (Artist) She's so sweet I gain weight just looking at her album cover.

     I never go to class reunions. Why should I go to that much trouble just to be reminded of the time I wet my pants?

     Now, today's exciting fact (You may want to take notes): It takes 400 cocoa beans to make just one pound of chocolate. And it takes just one pound of chocolate to make 400 pimples.

     For a moment there I thought my 'Spidey Sense' was tingling -- but it's just the hot coffee I spilled in my lap. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     Here it is, gang, another stupidendous (Jock) Funtest!
     To celebrate National Hospital Week the (Jock) Program is proud to award a Week In The Hospital!
     Call right now and tell us who you'd like to nominate: your boss, your mother-in-law, a neighbor--anyone you honestly and truly believe is deserving.
     No names, please--we want it to be a real surprise to the winner.
     Grand prize winner gets a full week in the hospital with no expenses paid.
     Grand prize supplied by the (Local) County Muggers Association in return for promotional consideration and whatever cash the winner is carrying.
     In case of a tie, duplicate muggings will be arranged.

    Dogs appearing on today's show were fed Pedifree, the fat-free sugar-free caffeine-free taste-free dog food guaranteed to turn your lovable harmless pet into a mean motor-scooter.

     You know you're spending too much time home alone....
     • when you wait by the window for the garbage truck so you can wave at the driver.
     • when you call the roofing and siding salesman just to chat.
     • when you put a sign on your front door that says, "Welcome, Jehovah Witnesses."
     • when you fast forward old Jimmy Stewart movies just to make him talk faster.

     I feel so great I may go home and mow my wife's half of the yard.