Dearly Beloved -- We are gathered here today to witness this disc jockey and this audience united in total zaniness -- it's "The (Jock) Program!"

     The following program is guaranteed to offend almost everybody in the audience at some point of the show. If, after the show is over, you feel offended because we did not offend you, please accept our apologies. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

     Now today's barbecue tip. To get that great barbecue taste in half the time, just fill your microwave with charcoal briquettes. The food will taste amazing and it'll only take two or three weeks to clean up the smoke damage.

     Some of the network bigwigs are coming this afternoon. This is when we put an afghan over (Jock) and tell everybody he's a table.

     And now back to our movie, "The Crock Pot That Stewed Milwaukee."

     Have you ever noticed the difference between Tom DeLay and Rush Limbaugh? Me neither.

     Late-breaking news:  A federal judge ruled today that Mother's Day in unconstitutional because it honors only female mothers.
     Film in this week's "People."

     I'm learning to control the weather. For example, I can make the wind blow just by lighting my barbecue grill.

     Southerly wind 20 to 30 miles an hour. This means if you're driving west, aim your car about 10 degrees south of your   destination.

     (News Reporter) hates spring weather because storms are so hard to cover. He thinks tornados should just call press conferences like everybody else.

     (Artist) I love her hair. It looks like her hairdresser had a bad case of the hiccups.

     The boss can talk you to death. When he gets you alone, it's strictly mouth-to-mouth combat.
     He fired his secretary once because she could only take 300 words a minute.

     Back home some people say the safest place to be during a tornado is in the bathtub. In fact, back home that's the only time some people take a bath.

     My wife says the safest place to be during a tornado is in the bathtub. She says if a tornado rips off your roof and the rain pours in and, if you're in the bathtub, you won't drip on the carpet.

     (Weatherman’s) forecast might be a tad off today. We found a swizzle stick in his rain gauge.

     Today’s Soap Opera Update. On "All My Zits," Tassel talks to her counselor about becoming a surrogate cheerleader.

     And in country news: Willie Nelson is doing a charity concert in Florida. This one’s called "Gatorade."

     This portion of today's program is brought to you by Laid-Back Airlines. Remember, buy four round-trip tickets to any of our exciting escape weekend destinations, and you get to keep the plane.

     Now, today's camping tip. On your next camping trip be sure to take along your old "Trivial Pursuit" game. Then at night, everybody can sit around the campfire and toss it in.

     [To arriving jock] Who does your hair, Vidal Monsoon?

     And if you think I was crazy today, you ought to catch me sometime when I'm not working.

     I have to go. It's time for my 30,000-joke checkup. I'm getting my tongue retreaded and my tonsils spin-balanced.