Adolescence is one of the most difficult
times of life for both teenagers and their parents.
As teenagers go out into the world, they are
confronted with mixed messages about their looks, their behavior, and their attitude.
Teenagers are particularly susceptible to peer pressure, and are
easily influenced by those with whom they spend the most time.
At this age, teenagers are worried about how they look,
concerned about their popularity, and very focused on their own feelings and experiences.
These truths, combined with still immature
reasoning and judgment means that teenagers are prone to distortions in their self image
and are likely to have at least somewhat unrealistic estimations of their own capacities.
As a parent, you want to help your child with every advantage in life. Most importantly,
perhaps, is that you want your child to grow up to be confident, responsible, and
successful. How can you best foster self esteem in your teenager?
1) Give them clear rules to follow. All children, no matter what age, respond
best to clear instruction. Your teenager may balk or fight over your rules, but this is
par for the course. Clear rules communicate the value you have for your child, and when
your children know they are valued, this is the first building block of self esteem.
2) Balance out criticism with appropriate acknowledgements. When your child
does something well, say so. Acknowledge their skills, talents or abilities, and be sure
to pay attention to the positives rather than only the negatives.
3) Let them make some of their own decisions. Teenagers learn good
decision-making by actually making decisions. Allow them to make decisions with your
guidance. Ask them to share their lines of thinking with you and their reasoning. Help
them see where their reasoning or judgment might be better.
4) Keep in regular contact with them. Although teenagers are likely to
be self-centered and self focused, be sure to talk to them anyway. Ask about their day,
find out what they are feeling, and share information about your day and your feelings
too. No matter how much your teenager wants to isolate or disconnect from the family, work
to keep them engaged and involved.
5) Be proud of your teenager, and tell them so. When your child accomplishes
a goal or is awarded an honor, take the extra step to let him or her know how proud you
are. Words make a huge difference; don't just assume that they already know.
6) Support your child during a conflict. When your child is in conflict with
another, find a way to support his/her viewpoint while maintaining your personal
integrity. Your child will not always be right; but he or she will not always be wrong.
Being supportive of your child during conflict provides a strong foundation for meeting
all kinds of challenges.
7) Examine your own self esteem and feelings of limitation. If you have
struggled with your own self esteem, take care not to impose these same struggles on your
child. Children are very susceptible to absorbing their parent's opinions and belief
systems, so take care not to impose your own negative beliefs on your child.
8) Be consistent. To rear a healthy, well-adjusted child, be consistent
with your rules and your approach. The rules should always be the rules. Don't criticize
your child for something one day and praise him for it the next. Children don't gain self
esteem in the face of constant change.
9) Remind your child of your support. It's like the old saying, "give
them roots to ground them, but wings to fly." Let them know you are there to help
them whenever they need it. Again, this feeling of support and constancy will help them
become more confident in the world.
10) Finally, celebrate their uniqueness. Every parent has cherished dreams
and goals for their child. This doesn't mean that the child will want those same dreams
and goals for him or herself. When there is a gap between desires and reality, as a parent
you must bridge that space by letting go of what you desired and truly, deeply loving who
your child is.
These tools will help you build your child's self esteem. With high self esteem, your
child will move through the world more confidently, be more willing to take necessary
risks, and will be more successful. And what parent wouldn't want that?
