Peanut
butter was invented by a doctor in 1980, but nobody quite caught his name. At the time,
his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth.
Just because you can put peanut butter on anything doesn't mean you should. Like, you can
put peanut butter on the cat. It won't taste good, but it does keep the cat real busy for
about a week.
Peanut butter makes great bait
for mouse traps. The mice get into it and their feet get stuck. That's right, folks, the
peanut butter sticks to the hoof of your mouse.
Q:
According to ape art experts, what is the biggest problem you will have in getting to your
ape to paint: (a) running out of bananas; (b) cleaning the paint out of his hair; or (c)
keeping him from eating the paint. A: Artistic apes like to eat
the paint. Also the brushes, the palette, the canvas.....
When I was kid at home we
didn't have any running water. We had running noses, but no running water.
We couldn't affford water to take
baths. When it rained, I had to run outside naked with a Brillo pad.
I started talking early. In fact,
the first thing I can remember is being told to shut up.
Q:
Your costume ring turns your finger green. Should you: (a) stop buying your jewelry at
garage sales; (b) paint your nails green to match your finger; or (c) paint the inside of
the ring with clear nail polish? A: #c will keep the ring from
turning you green next time (Household Hints & Tips by Pamela Gross).
I don't mind going to
church. The pastor's sermons make sense, and some of them are funnier than this year's
sit-coms.
I'm such a lousy housekeeper,
Heloise doesn't have enough hints for me.
What this country needs, girls,
is a remote husband. You push "Garbage" and he takes out the trash. You push
"Mow" and he cuts the grass. You push "Sex" and he turns on your
soap....
I should have expected problems.
On our wedding night he ordered champagne smothered in onions.
Girls, before you get engaged,
ask yourself, "Is this the man whose laundry I want to do for the rest of my
life?"
I didn't dance at my prom. I was
too busy trying to breathe in my dress.
Q:
What’s different about the newest supermarket price scanner: (a) it’s actually
correct; (b) it sounds an alarm if the product is past its freshness date; or (c) it
identifies and prices fresh fruit and vegetables by their smell? A: It’s a combo
scanner-smeller.
School is almost out. Teachers
are smiling again, bus drivers are getting their color back, parents are refilling their
Valium prescriptions....
Now the tobacco industry says
smoking relieves stress. Sure, you're never more relaxed than when they embalm you.
My new car has so much plastic on
it, it's marked "dishwasher safe."
My doctor cancelled me as a
patient. He says I went too long without having something expensive.
I decided to lose weight after my
son and one of his friends camped out in the back yard in one of my T-shirts.
What a bummer. Last night I was
dancing along with my Roseanne fitness video, when I tripped and fell head-first into my
banana split.
Q:
Berkeley, California, closed a road for five months because 200 a day were being squashed
trying to get across. What were being squashed: (a) chickens; (b) newts; or (c) turtles? A. Newts. Why did the newt cross
the road? To get to a pond on the other side to lay her eggs.
My yard looks so bad, a
sparrow put a "For Sale" sign on the bird house.
I bought an extra large
fertilizer spreader. It's the Rush Limbaugh model.
I'm a little worried. My wife had
a big weekend garage sale -- and I haven't seen my grandfather since.
