Girls have a tough time growing from childhood to womanhood. Our 11-year-old just bought a
Strawberry Shortcake training bra.
Now she's looking for some Fisher Price pantyhose. Does anything get dirtier than a
6-year-old? I'm serious, we've got a 6-year-old; we gave him a 45-minute bath; and still
had to take him to One-Hour Martinizing.
Our 8-year-old has come up with a
new way to avoid taking a bath. Every night before bedtime she strips completely and gives
herself a quick once-over with the Dustbuster.
Of course, with this method little boys might run into a
real problem.
I was going to buy my daughter a Barbie doll for
Christmas but she didn't want one. Says she's not ready to start a family yet.
My daughter's piano lessons are finally paying off. She can
play "Flight of the Bumblebee" on our push button phone.
The only time my daughter kisses me is when she doesn't
have a napkin handy.
I've been married for seven years. We have two children:
Stress-1 and Stress-2.
Children are God's way of making you take back everything
bad you ever said about your own parents.
The difference between a 3-year-old and a 4-year old. A
3-year-old is beginning to think you're an idiot. A 4-year-old is convinced.
Take it from me, let your children eat in front of the TV
and you'll discover the 20-30-50 law: 20% of the food actually goes in their mouths, 30%
gets fed to the dog, and 50% gets fed to the carpet.
I don't want to say how much food gets spilled on the rug,
but our Hoover belongs to Weight Watchers.
To a one-year-old, dinner is like making a touchdown. They
love to spike their food on the floor.
My parents had a real problem. My sister's Cabbage Patch
Doll wanted to find its natural mother.
Do you have any idea how much THAT cost?
My son is having an anxiety
attack. He doesn't know whether to be happy because he still has half his summer vacation
left or sad because it's half over.
For you new parents out there, here's a tip. The kid's bath
is over when the water level inside the tub is equal to the water level outside the tub.
Our one-year-old is learning the importance of sharing.
Whenever he eats an ice cream cone, he shares it with the rug, the furniture, the
walls....
Give a one-year-old an inch and he'll take a mile. Give him
an ice cream cone and he'll drip a mile.
Vacationing with the children by car can be loads of fun,
especially if you really enjoy driving and yelling at the same time.
At the beach I did the dead man's float and my daughter
started crying. I said, "Daddy didn't really drown." And she said, "That's
why I'm crying."
Adolescence is that time in a child's life when he begins
to see his parents as more than a source of criticism -- and begins to see them as a
source of money.
Want your kids to read a lot this summer and watch less TV.
It's easy. Just tell them you'll die if you catch them reading a book.
Tell them reading is too expensive.
And will ruin their eyes and rot their brain and
cause pimples.
And they are absolutely forbidden to associate with
anyone who can read.
And remember, kids, reading can be twice the fun if
you use a live lizard for a book mark.
My wife has a great idea for a federal make-work program.
How about assigning every unemployed person a two-year-old to clean up after?
