The biggest problem facing children today is worrying about how their parents will turn
out.
We're going to ask the baby's pediatrician about a
transplant. We want to see if he can install drip dry kidneys.
(Anyone) knows all about children. He ought to -- he's been
one for (40) years.
I don't believe in spanking. I believe in tranquilizer
darts.
One thing I don't understand. If God really wanted us to
have peace on earth, how come He didn't make children with an off-switch?
My sister was such a terror her Cabbage Patch doll went back to the Cabbage Patch.
My son refuses to take a bath until he finds what
brand is the official soap of the 2006 Olympics.
My 7-year-old is free for the rest of the month. Last night
he took 31 baths.
My son refuses to fix anything around the house. He's
practicing to become a landlord.
When we leave the kids with a sitter, we don't take any chances. We always leave the phone
number of the place we're not going.
My daughter has a TV in her room. Now she wants one in the
refrigerator.
My daughter is at the awkward age. When we go out she still
likes the child's plate, but orders three of them.
Kids today only know about electronic stuff. One kid saw
the old clothesline in our backyard and asked if he could come in and watch our satellite
TV.
When things get out of control around my house I just use a
little child psychology. And declare a state of martial law.
People with no children have no idea what it's like to be a
proud parent. For example, our daughter is now 10 and very ambitious. When she grows
up she wants to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.
So she bought a pom pom.
She wanted two pom poms but they were two bucks a piece.
And every young woman has to save a little mad money for
video games.
Of course, there's not a lot you can do with one
pom pom. So for the time being she's wearing it as a wig.
Fortunately, so far she hasn't worn it in public and I hope
she doesn't. Somebody who looks that silly could become a trendsetter.
My son is always asking me for money. The way this kid puts
the bite on me he's gonna grow up to be either a congressman or a mosquito.
Next year I think I'll send the kids to work and I'll go to
summer camp.
Super embarrassment is when you open a window to air out
your 10-year-old's room and the fire department evacuates the neighborhood.
My young son is another Vincent Van Gogh. When he takes a
bath he only washes behind one ear.
My son has set a new record this summer: 17 consecutive
days without a skinned knee.
Kids today are so much more daring than we were. They have
this new party game where they blindfold you. It's called "Pin the Blade on the
Ceiling Fan."
Have you heard? Children are supposed to be fingerprinted
now for their own protection against kidnappers. I don't have to worry; my children are
already fingerprinted -- on the refrigerator, the doors, the walls.....
The kid next door was kidnapped once. The kidnappers gave
him three grand to go home.
For a child, little things can be very traumatic. Our
five-year-old was terrified when she looked in the mirror and thought she'd discovered a
gray hair. Fortunately, it turned out to be spaghetti.
Childhood fantasies just aren't the same anymore. My kids
are convinced, at the end of the rainbow, they'd find Publisher's Clearinghouse.
Kids are all alike. You take 'em to a fancy restarant, they
order the filet mignon with pickles and ketchup.
On a sesame seed bun.
A man with no children misses a lot. For example, a man
with no children will probably never know the thrill of officiating at the funeral of a
dead goldfish.
I'm taking my son to the fights. I have two tickets to the
hockey game.
Every time I try to get my son's attention he ignores me.
You'd think he's practicing to be a waiter.
Our little girl always bursts into tears at bedtime. But my
wife talks to her in soothing tones and pretty soon, the tears dry up. Come to think of
it, that's how she handles me when I'm leaving for work.
