My late uncle
was a real physical fitness fanatic. He had himself buried face down in case there are
pushups after death.
I used to run five miles every day. Then I decided it was easier to move closer to the bus
stop.
There's nothing like doing pushups to help you relax. Like this morning, I did 25 pushups
and I was completely relaxed. I fainted.
I say it's time for society to put an end to cruel and unusual punishment. That's
right, folks, I'm against jogging.
The physical
fitness craze doesn't make sense. The guy who exercises every day and the person who never
exercises at all end up with the same thing -- a body that will last a lifetime.
I bought one of those exercise bikes. They come in two models: expensive and more
expensive.
An exercise bike is supposed to take the place of running. But the first thing you do when
you see the price is run.
Now,
today's exercise tips:
> The best exercise is climbing stairs. Climbing stairs for one hour will burn up 1,100
calories. This means, if you climb stairs only five hours a day, you can eat like a horse
and still not look like one.
> In terms of calories burned, bicycling four miles on a stationary exercise bike
equals one mile of walking. And, of course, with an stationary bike you don't have to walk
back.
> Ten minutes of free-style swimming equals one mile of jogging. And, of course, while
swimming you're not nearly as likely to get run over by a truck.
> Isometric exercises like pushups and chinups can be dangerous because they elevate
the blood pressure significantly. The best indication that it's time to rest is a heart
attack.
> Doing the exact same exercises, men will lose weight faster than women. This is
due to body chemistry, and filing a lawsuit won't help.
> Wearing a sweatsuit while exercising in warm weather will jeopardize your health. It
is a good idea, however, to wear something.
I tried that inversion therapy, where you hang upside-down by your ankles. A bat fell
in love with me.
The streets aren't safe anymore, especially after dark. Last night I took the dog out for
a walk and got run over by a jogger.
Personally, I don't think anyone should be allowed to jog on public sidewalks without
first completing a course in jogger education.
And passing both a written and a sanity test.
Using an exercise bicycle in your house gives your cardiovascular system the same workout
as jogging outdoors, plus an added advantage: you can have the heart attack in the privacy
of your home.
I'm in such lousy shape I get out of breath watching "Desparate Housewives."
The latest exercise fad is called "Inversion Therapy." It involves doing
exercises while you're hanging upside-down. Hanging upside-down cures back pain -- the
nagging kind of back pain you get from trying to hang upside-down.
Hanging upside-down clears your mind and let's you concentrate on one thing -- how you're
going to get rightside-up.
My wife doesn't like it when I hang upside-down. She has to vacuum the dandruff off the
carpet.
When I work out at the spa I like the rowing maching. Your muscles are tense; your heart
is racing; and you never move an inch. It's sort like being in a traffic jam.
I don't like exercising. My leotards run faster than I do.
I did 15 minutes on my exercise bike this morning. One minute of peddling and 14 minutes
trying to get off.
I had to start exercising. I simply could not bear the thought of having to walk
around the rest of my life in this body.
You know something has to be done when you get out of breath trying to bend over and touch
your thighs.
You talk about out of shape! In order for (Anyone) to do a sit-up, he has to hook his
thumbs in his belly button!
