There should be a
legal limit on how long leftovers can be left over. We had a pork chop once that was left
over for 13 weeks. The average TV show spoils before that.
And this pork chop wasn't easy to cancel. I had to call a plumber
to cut it loose from the refrigerator.
Did you know that union plumbers get time-and-a-half for working
in a refrigerator?
Age always corresponds inversely to the size
of your multi-vitamin.
"Hibachi" is a Japanese term meaning, "Let’s unload these goofy little
grills off on the Americans."
I love eating outdoors.
There are so many more places where you can throw away the potato salad.
Q: To help lower your
blood pressure, should you: (a) join the church choir; (b) have your wisdom teeth
extracted; or (c) drink a small glass of mayonnaise each morning?
A: Join the choir. According to research at the University of
Oklahoma Health Sciences Center, singing helps you to breathe deeply and use your lungs to
capacity, which relaxes the body and helps lower blood pressure.
I’ll tell you
how cold my wife keeps our place: When the cuckoo came out of the clock, he tried to fly
south for the winter!
She keeps it so cold, the
goldfish tried to jump from his bowl into the Mr. Coffee.
Q: A weird friend
brings you a cisco. Will you most likely: (a) cook it; (b) wear it; or (c) hang it in the
bathroom?
A: It’s a fish; do whatever you wish.
Q: You have an incredibly
trashy belly button. Should you: (a) Consult an Eye, Ear, Nose, and Belly Button
Specialist; (b) look for a belly button attachment for your Waterpic; or (c) swab it
regularly with a Q-Tip.
A: McCalls’ "Answer Woman" says
"use a cotton swab dipped in slightly soapy water to remove lint and other
debris." Follow up with a dab of hydrogen perioxide to prevent dreaded dead skin
buildup. Dry it thoroughly afterward with a fresh, dry swab.
I think this
safety thing may be going a little too far. The other day I saw a kid swimming in a bike
helmet and elbow pads.
A new study found
that men are indeed the primary users of TV remote controls. What I can’t figure out
is how a guy can learn to program a 400-button universal remote and still not be able to
push the "On" button on a dishwasher.
Q: What is author Karen
Salmansohn’s first rule in her book How to Make Your Man Behave in 21 Days or Less
Using the Secrets of Professional Dog Trainers? Is it: (a) Until trust is built, keep
him on a leash; (b) just fill his bowl halfway so he’s always yearning for more; or
(c) always say no clearly, so there’s no mistaking what you mean?
A: Since he’s always nicest when he wants to be fed,
just fill his bowl halfway (Workman Publishing)
I always like to go on a picnic when I feel like I’m not
getting enough dirt in my diet.
My wife says she
wants to try something new in our marriage--like maybe Brad Pitt.
I'm worried about her. I don't
mind her talking to her flowers, but when I left home this morning she was arguing with a
grapefruit!
Q: Your atificial flowers are embarrassingly dusty. Should you:
(a) hose them down; (b) wash them in the dishwasher; or (c) dust them with your
blow-dryer.
A: The blow-dryer works great, according to Woman’s
Day Helpful Hints Letter.
A picnic is one of the few ways you can take your family out to dinner and not be
embarrassed about their table manners.
The old TV shows had a
profound effect on my life. Even today, years later, I still sometimes wake up refreshed
after a nice boring dream about Merv Griffin.
When we got married my husband knew
absolutely nothing about women. Honest, the first time he saw a pair of my pantyhose he
asked where the zipper was.
Q: Name a fruit that has 100 times more vitamin-C than an
orange. Is it: (a) the New Zealand wombat peach; (b) the Australian billygoat plum; or (c)
the Tasmanian devil grapefruit?
A: The Australian billygoat plum,
available at many health food stores. It tastes awful.
I once had such a bad sun burn, I
got an obscene phone call from a lobster.
Dermatologists say eating carrots
can help prevent sun burn. Which probably explains why you seldom see a rabbit using
sunscreen.
A dream vacation would be one where your family all gets along.
We had a great
vacation, but I figured it up -- my suntan cost $38.16 a square inch.
The beach was so
dirty, when you picked up a shell to hear the sound of the sea, it left a ring around your
ear.
Q:
Did Dr. Beverly Potter of Berkeley write: (a) The Art of Smart Worrying; (b) The
Worrywart’s Companion; or (c) What, Me Worry?
A: The Worrywart’s Companion: 21 ways to
soothe yourself and worry smart.
Have you noticed how college
tuition keeps rising? Now, after four years, your kid is finished about the same time you
are.
Remember the old days when people
needed sleeping pills to fall asleep at night. That was before they invented computer
manuals.
Q: Who said, "My poor dad, all he cares about is that people don’t take
me for brain-dead." Was it: (a) Cindy Crawford; (b) LaToya Jackson; or (c) Vanna
White?
A: Cindy Crawford.
Today's tip for new parents.
Remember, the kid's bath is over when the water level inside the tub is equal to the water
level outside the tub.
Our 6-month-old is learning the
importance of sharing. Whatever he eats, he shares with the floor, the furniture, the
walls.....
My mother always had soft,
beautiful hands for two reasons: she always had an automatic dishwasher, and she always
washed my mouth out with Palmolive Liquid.
Back home, at
parades they couldn’t afford a baton, so the drum majorette twirled "The
Club" from the Welcome Wagon.
Remember, hiking is nothing more
than walking with expensive boots on.
