My doctor says I'm suffering from a very rare disease caused by an improper diet. It's
called Meatloaf of the Arteries.
It's not easy living life in the fast lane when your body is only
hitting on two cylinders.
Nutritious -- that's an old Indian term meaning, "It tastes like buffalo hair but
it's good for you."
I love that machine at Wal-Mart that takes your blood
pressure. The most amazing thing is that it doesn't even charge you for an office call.
The thing that bugs me is that every time you sit down at the
blood pressure machine, some little ole lady walks up behind to peek at your vital signs.
I can hardly wait until they get a machine that you can walk up
to and get a free urinalysis.
And you know it won't be long until you can pop by the drug store, sit down at a machine,
and have your appendix out.
While playing a video game.
And if you buy an electric can opener you get a free wart biopsy.
I used to eat an apple a day to keep the doctor away, but it
didn't work. I caught hepatitis from the guy who sold me the apples.
The greatest challange for medical science these days is finding
a cure for the child-proof cap.
Last night the whole house started shaking. I thought it was an
earthquake. Turned out it was my mother-in-law doing her exercises.
Everybody's living longer. Last night I was bitten by a mosquito
with dentures.
My grandfather had open-heart sur|gery. They installed a new
aortic valve -- which they got from a pig. My grandfather was up and around in no time.
But the pig died.
The operation cost $44,000: $40,000 for the surgeon and $4,000
for the consulting veterinarian.
My grandmother says using a valve from a pig's heart was perfect.
Granddad was already pig-headed.
But Grandma's not happy about some of the side-effects.
Every time it rains Granddad wants her to mud-wrestle.
My uncle always worried about his health so, finally, he had a
complete physical exam. The doctor told him he was in excellent condition. He got so
excited at the good news he had a heart attack.
