<>     I was working in my garden and the kid next door asked me what I was doing? I said, "I’m putting manure on my strawberries." He said, "I like Cool Whip on mine."

<>     It’s been so dry this year, the crabgrass in my lawn isn’t crabby at all.
     Just moans a little.

<>     Q: More than a third of U.S. adults use the snooze button on their alarm clocks every morning. How many times does the average person hit it: (a) two times; (b) three times; or (c) four times?
     A: Three times (Opinion Research, Princeton, N.J.)

<>     Q: There’s just too much fat in your stew. Should you: (a) use skinnier recipes; (b) substitute rice cakes for stew meat; or (c) float large lettuce leaves in the pot, then remove them?
    A: #c will get the fat out. It’ll stick to the lettuce leaves.

<>     I tried an experiment. I chopped up some broccoli and spread it on the front lawn. All the insects packed up and left.
     And a squirrel threw an acorn at me.

     I got my garden plowed for free. I invited all the neighborhood teenagers over for a fun afternoon of rototiller racing.

      Our neighbor is taking us to court. He wants my wife's compost pile declared a hazardous waste dump.

      Last year the neighbors got upset just because so many birds were attracted to our garden. Heck, this year we've got buzzards circling the compost pile.

     We had a lot of crows hanging around, so my neighbor put up a scarecrow.  The crows nearly died laughing.
     Then I put up a scarecrow, and the crows left immediately. My scarecrow looked like Howard Stern.

      It all depends on your perspective. To you it's a vegetable garden. To rabbits, it's a salad bar.

<>     Q: You have coffee, tea, or nicotine stains on your teeth. Should you: (a) check into a stain clinic; (b) brush with baking soda; or (c) rub your teeth with fresh strawberries?
     A: First for Women magazine recommends you brush with baking soda, then rub your teeth with a fresh strawberry, then some lemon peel, then rinse.

<>      Supposedly, one of the most effective flea and tick repellants is Avon "Softique" hand lotion. Honest. I guess that's why you so seldom see an Avon Lady wearing a flea collar.

     How to handle dirty sweat socks:
     You gotta know when to hold ‘em,
     Know when to fold ‘em;
     Know when to walk away,
     And know when to run.....

     Now, another lesson in our exciting short-course, "How to Make Gardening More Fun:"

     > If you haven't planted yet, it's too late. Besides, to have more fun gardening, not planting is one of the best things you can do.

     > To make gardening more fun you MUST win the war against bugs. All bugs come from the garden next door. Encourage your neighbor to have a healthy, delicious garden so his bugs won't want to leave.

     > To make gardening more fun you MUST spray for blight. Spraying doesn't help at all but everybody does it and they'll think you're stupid if you don't do it too.
The best spray for blight is called "Easy Off."

     > To make gardening more fun you MUST pull up all weeds. It's easy to tell weeds from the things you planted. Weeds are the plants that are actually growing.

     > To make gardening more fun always use mulch. Mulch is rotten and smells awful but people at garden stores will sell it to you anyway and guarantee that it will help. If you're interested, these people will also sell you a lake lot in Florida.

     > To make gardening more fun always work on your knees. In the vernacular of the successful gardener, this is called "praying."

<>     Q: A drippy faucet is keeping you awake. Should you: (a) marry a plumber; (b) sleep with your head under the dog; or (c) tie a string long enough to reach the drain on the end of the faucet?
     A: Dripologists at Woman’s Day magazine say #c will allow your drip to run silently down the string.

<>     Some people never outgrow the desire to play in the dirt, but when they’re adults they call it gardening.

     You know you’re working in the yard too much when you have to fungicide your armpits.

      Yesterday my wife started weeding her garden. For an hour she pulled and tugged and tugged and pulled -- and that was just putting on her jeans.

      When my wife is gardening she works fast. She took a course in speed weeding.

     I bought a new fertilizer spreader. One load with do the whole yard. It’s the new Campaign-2008 model.

     When the weather’s nice, I can spend all day working in my garden. I just love it. So does my chiropractor.