My wife cured my sleepwalking. Whenever I start sleepwalking, she leads me outside and
puts me behind the lawn mower.
I guess it's time to mow the lawn again. The mailman is starting
to walk into the birdbath.
One day my lawn was pretty and green, the next day it was dead.
It was horrible -- sabre-tooth chinch bugs!
And if you don't have bug spray, remember that hair spray works just as well if not
better. Not only does it kill the bugs, it also grooms them for the funeral.
Some people have crabgrass. I have crabtrees.
I don't have a lawn, I have a retirement home for grubworms.
I'll say this, my Weedeater never has to worry where its next
meal is coming from.
Take my advice, never fertilize your lawn wearing shorts with the wind blowing. I did that
three weeks ago and I've already had to mow my legs twice.
I have this strange weed in the corner of my yard. It has long
thing leaves and purple roots and little pink flowers -- and when you spray it with weed
killer it smiles.
I found this great insect killer that's even effective on
fireants. It's called dynamite.
I won't say how bad my lawn is, but I found a dead grubworm and
it left a suicide note.
I fertilized my lawn. Now I have beautiful dark green weeds.
I wanted to use a weed killer, but my wife is against capital
punishment.
Besides, what's wrong with weeds? Weeds don't need water or
fertilizer. Insects never bother weeds. And some weeds are actually pretty. In fact, the
only thing weeds don't have going for them is status.
If weeds were a status-symbol, I'd have the most envied yard in
town.
Last fall the squirrels buried 300,000 acorns in my lawn.
So if you'll excuse me, I have to go home now and mow my oak trees.
We have one squirrel that's retarded. Whenever there's a big
storm he runs out and starts burying hailstones.
It's a good sign to
expect a lot of insects this year when you notice the Easter Bunny wearing a flea collar.
I worked in the garden this weekend and it turns out I have
a purple thumb. My wife hit it with a hoe.
You may think I'm crazy, but yesterday I saw a flying saucer
explode into bits. I was mowing the lawn and ran over a frisbee.
My neighbor is really a fanatic about his lawn. I mean,
high nutrient fertilizer I can understand, but a conditioning rinse?
Actually, I've found that the best time to mow the lawn is
immediately after my wife tells me to.
This year I'm really proud of my lawn. I've never seen such fat
healthy grubworms.
Big doings on my block this weekend. Everybody gets
together and goes from lawn to lawn for the annual Cursing of the Crabgrass.
Indianapolis may have the Indy 500, and Louisville may have
the Kentucky Derby. But my neighborhood is the place to be for those who prefer real
excitment -- riding lawn mower drag races!
I finally decided to weed my yard. I made the decision when
I found a guy named Jack climbing up one of my beanstalks.
Now, I'm pleased to recount everything I know about dandelions.
Dandelions grow very fast. A dandelion can be full-grown in a
couple of days. This is called a miracle of nature.
In less than four days a full-grown dandelion can have 47 babies.
Sometimes nature can get carried away.
Nobody seems to know how dandelions get pregnant.
The easiest way to get rid of dandelions is to move.
Well, folks, looks like a good year for weeds. My neighbor's got
a swimming pool and guess what? Underwater crabgrass!
Talk about weird. Yesterday an Indian came by and asked if he
could scalp my lawn.
He did a great job. Removed all the thatch. Said he got enough
for two wigwams.
Then he spread a special fertilizer: 15-5-10 -- nitrogen, sulfur,
and shredded buffalo chips.
Then he gave it a good watering. First time I've ever seen a slam
rain dance.
If there's anything I hate it's raking the thatch out of my lawn
every spring. With my neighbor standing on his front porch whistling "Turkey in the
Straw."
I finally killed the weeds in my front yard. Sprayed 'em with
oven cleaner!
Unfortunately, I also killed the grass, two trees, and the sidewalk.
My lawn's in pretty bad shape so I called Lawn Doctor. Guess
what? Lawn Doctor doesn't make yard calls.
He did send out Lawn Nurse.
You could tell she knew her business. She smelled like
fertilizer.
Her hair looked like peat moss.
She was chewing on a rock.
I decided to stand on the front porch.
She took the grass's temperature.
Did a root scan.
Biopsied some weeds.
Sure enough, my worst fears were confirmed. My crabgrass is
malignant.
She gave me the phone number for Lawn Mortician.
