Our new neighbors are a little strange. They're planting crabgrass.
I've got a very powerful lawn mower attachment. While
sucking the leaves up off the yard, I mulched two lawn chairs and a bird bath.
I've penned a little poem about how the wind affects my
leaves:
Parting is such sweet sorrow,
Especially when the wind blows 'em right back tomorrow.
And remember, just because your lawn is about to stop growing doesn't mean you can stop
working on it. It's time to fertilize for a healthy winter root system; to control winter
weeds with a pre-emergent weed killer; to apply a fungicide to control brown patch; and
spray those ants. Sort of makes you wonder if Mother Nature isn't on commission at the
Lawn & Garden Center.
I'm so glad I fertilized. I mean, at least the lawn was pretty and green when the chinch
bugs ate it.
My neighbor's lawn is the most beautiful, vibrant, healthy lawn I've ever seen. But let's
face it, most of us just can't afford to water with Gatorade.
I have a very unusual lawn: a little bermuda, St.
Augustine, bluegrass, fescue, crabgrass, dandelions, and a wide variety of unidentified
weeds.
I'm an equal opportunity lawn grower.
It's not that I mind mowing the lawn, I just hate to tamper
with the ecology.
I must have a green thumb. Every time I pull up a weed it
grows right back.
I don't want to say I've got a weed problem, but last month
alone my Weed Eater gained 23 pounds.
I bought a beautiful hanging basket for my patio. If it
does well, next year I might buy a plant to go in it.
Some people are proud of their flower gardens. Me -- I'm
proud of my weed garden.
I have weeds you won't find anywhere else.
Prize weeds.
Big weeds.
Weeds with enormous personality.
Not to mention teeth.
Last week one of my weeds ate my neighbor's Weed Eater.
The real fun part of taking care of a lawn is killing the
insects. Not controlling 'em -- KILLING 'em!
And I don't want to just KILL the little devils, I want to
make 'em suffer.
I spent $29.95 for a new spray gun. Plus another $15.00 for
the bayonet.
I mixed up two
gallons of water with a pint of Seven. And two cups liquified leftover tuna casserole.
Ever see a cutworm try to fly?
Some gardeners have a green thumb. I have a green toe.
I stuck it in the lawn mower.
It's a gangrene toe!
Somebody said a little beer in the flower bed will help
control snails. So I put a little beer in my flower bed. Now my marigolds have the
hiccups.
The most effective way to kill crabgrass is to beat it to
death with a baseball bat.
Looks like my latest lawn & garden idea may fizzle. I
guess there's just no demand for Astroweeds.
Every summer I have the same problem: if I don't spend
money on my lawn I'm up to my knees in weeds, and if I do spend money I'm up to my neck in
bills.
My lawn has such giant weeds I had to buy a special mower.
Well, actually, it's not a mower at all. It's the latest thing -- a riding chainsaw.
I decided to prune my trees but it was a waste of time. I
didn't find a single prune.
Yardwork can be dangerous -- especially if you've got a
crabby squirrel that throws acorns.
Actually, I think this squirrel is mentally ill. Last fall
he spent two months trying to bury an oak tree.
When I mow the lawn he likes to ride the lawnmower. But I
think the noise bothers him. He sticks an acorn in each ear.
He's acted strange now for a couple of years. Ever since I
accidentally mowed off his tail.
I hate to admit it, but I am to gardening what the Chicago
Cubs are to the National Hockey League.
A perennial loser with competition that's out of my league.
