My wife and I can't decide where to vacation this year. We're having more trouble finding a place to go than Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos.

I'm taking the family on vacation this summer, but I'm really worried about the terrorists. The Terrorists -- that's what the neighbors call my three kids.

You know you need a vacation when:

You catch yourself pouring orange juice on your Raisin Bran.

You go out to get the morning paper and come back in carrying a weed.

By noon Monday it's already been a long week.

You're beginning to snore at staff meetings.

You lock your keys in your car twice in one day.

"CSI New York" is no longer funny.

On the way home from work you suddenly realize you are 15 miles past your house.

Your favorite sex symbol is beginning to make you yawn.

You can tell it's vacation time. All the burglars are smiling.

Now, more in our exciting series, "How to Leave on Vacation Confident That When You Return Your Silverware Will Still Be There:"

Tell your neighbor you'll be away so they can watch your home. Unless, of course, you have recently noticed your neighbor at the laundramat washing a load of ski masks.

Before leaving, make sure all doors and windows are locked securely. This will not stop a burglar, but it might keep him from spray painting "Welcome Home, Stupid!" on your living room wall.

Disconnect automatic garage door openers and use some other type of lock. An automatic garage door can be opened by an intelligent Cub Scout or a retarded cat.

Set timers on lights, radios, and TV sets to turn on and off regularly. Tune the radio to a classical station -- studies show 4 out of 5 burglars hate classical music.

Arrange to have your lawn mowed and garbage left in your trash cans. Most neighbors are more than happy to share their garbage in your time of need.

Copyright ©2007 by Joe Hickman