A: As you have signed
your legal documents, it's a done deal. As you suspected,
it is likely her family will be unhappy over their
mother's decision. Your choice is when you want the family
quarrel to begin - now or after your wife is gone. Also,
if you reveal the will's details now, the daughters will
try to put pressure on their mother to change her mind. Do
you want your wife to face this issue while facing her
mortality?
If you agree, and if her children pressure you, simply
explain that you and their mother have made and signed
your estate documents, and that the details will be
handled by your lawyer at the appropriate time. They will
not be pleased with your response, and it will no doubt
lead them to suspect her decision will not be favorable.
Hopefully, this will at least postpone any future family
war until after their mother is gone.
Be strong. As your wife's caretaker, you have enough
responsibilities to deal with at this time.
Q: When we married in our
early 20s, we made plans that we were passionate about. We
expected to reach most of them, but 20 years later, we
find we reached only about a quarter of them.
Our son is getting married next month, and he and his
fiancee are asking for our advice about what we found were
our most important priorities when we married. We find it
difficult to explain. What would you suggest?
A: Real life is about
stages. As we age, our thoughts change because we are
forced to reconsider some of our decisions. It is normal
before marriage to think long- rather than short-term. For
example, your husband may choose to become a certified
public accountant, but after practicing a few years,
decides that career is not what he really wants. Sometimes
you will be in a position in which he can make a change,
sometimes not. Explain that as life changes, so will their
beliefs.
As none of us ever gets everything we want, recommend
compromise as a critical consideration in establishing a
successful, happy relationship. Tell them to teach each
other how to deal with life's changes and to be prepared
to accept these changes positively. It's wise to expect
the unexpected.
Anticipating and achieving are two different issues.
Many believe anticipating low expectations leads to
greater happiness, others set unrealistic high
expectations that cannot be reached. Most partners choose
the middle ground successfully as they learn there is
always a price to pay for everything we do. Give them the
benefit of your actual experiences.
The best partnership is one in which both parties agree
on plans, yet remain flexible should something go wrong
that requires a change of direction. Major events such as
being fired or a loss of a child can change our lives in
an instant. Tell them to prepare themselves emotionally
for such events, and to continue to love one another for
who they are, not what they would prefer them to be.
Doug Mayberry lives in a retirement community in
Southern California. Send your questions to him at
deardoug@msn.com or
write to him at P.O. Box 2649, Carlsbad, CA 92018.
© Copley News Service
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