2009-05-30
If there is one thing for
which I have no tolerance, it is zero tolerance.
My nephew was recently
suspended from school under a strict
zero-tolerance policy toward fighting. He was
standing in line when a boy behind him socked
him in the back of the head. The teacher saw the
incident, and, well, you know what they say, it
takes two to have a fight, even if one of them
is just standing there getting punched in the
cranium.
Perhaps zero tolerance will
soon become official policy at police precincts.
You: I was just beaten and
robbed!
Police Officer: That's
horrible. You're under arrest.
You: You've got to be kidding
me.
Police Officer: Consider
yourself lucky. If you'd been murdered, you'd be
going to prison for life.
I suppose I'm implying that
zero tolerance is just another way of saying
zero sense. So I wasn't surprised when the U.S.
Supreme Court took up a case on April 21 of a
13-year-old girl who was strip-searched in
school because a friend of hers alleged that the
girl had an ibuprofen tablet.
Yes, ibuprofen, the
over-the-counter painkiller.
Nephew: Hey, I have a
headache from getting punched in the head, may I
have an ibuprofen tablet?
School Nurse: Yes, but first
you'll have to strip naked. Here, let me turn on
some music.
As if that weren't crazy
enough, some schools have even banned the use of
sunscreen — which could turn out to be sort of
unfortunate, if the same school requires you to
walk around nude so you won't have any place to
hide non-prescription medication. (I suppose you
could hide it by swallowing it — the
zero-tolerance policy encourages you to take
drugs to avoid being caught holding drugs.)
Ironically, ibuprofen is
sometimes recommended as a treatment for
sunburn.
I'm trying to understand the
school's zero logic on this. Sunscreen is not a
drug, but it can help prevent skin damage, so it
is kind of like a drug, just like being attacked
is kind of like getting in a fight. We as a
society cannot afford to have our children
running around avoiding skin damage, right?
Clothing also blocks skin
damage, by the way, so that's another good
reason to conduct a strip search. You can be
suspended if the strip search reveals that you
were wearing clothing.
Done correctly,
zero-tolerance policies can rid schools of their
most pernicious problem: students.
The case went to the Supreme
Court because a lower court agreed with the girl
and her parents that the school had demonstrated
zero tolerance toward common sense. The school,
apparently shocked that anyone would find fault
with their entirely reasonable policy that
anyone accused of having a headache pill should
be forced to strip naked in the nurse's office,
appealed all the way up to the highest court in
the land, which probably took the case because
the judges simply had to hear with their own
ears how the school could possibly justify its
actions.
Chief Justice: You made a
young girl strip because it was rumored she
might be holding something that resembles an
illegal substance, and you feel so strongly that
this action makes sense that you have appealed
all the way to the Supreme Court?
Lawyer for the school: Your
honor, we zero-tolerate that question. Take off
your clothes.
I also found a story online
about a Manassas, Va., student who was suspended
for giving a friend a breath mint — breath
mints, you see, resemble aspirins, and aspirin
is banned under zero tolerance toward anything
resembling a controlled substance. I assume that
toothpaste is banned, as well, because it
resembles sunscreen.
Apparently, the students in
Manassas walk around all day with bad breath.
The Supreme Court will rule
on the narrow issue of whether the school
overstepped its authority when it forced a
13-year-old girl to strip naked and will not
tackle the larger issue of what zero-tolerance
policies teach our children, which is that the
people who thought up these rules are idiots.
Meanwhile, my nephew was
allowed to return to school after three days and
a stern admonition not to let his head hit
anyone's fist anymore.
I wonder if the experience
has taught him tolerance.
To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at
www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about
Bruce Cameron and read features by other
Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists,
visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at
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COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.
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