2009-07-11
When it comes to men's
underpants, I believe in change.
According to Alan Greenspan,
former chairman of the Federal Reserve, when
men's underpants sag, it bodes poorly for the
economy.
The Federal Reserve is a
quasi-public institution charged with making the
public quasi-queasy with scary pronouncements
about the economy. It was created in 1913 to
provide the nation with a central banking system
but has only recently begun to monitor your
underpants.
In a brief statement about
briefs, Greenspan apparently did some thinking
"outside the boxers," noting that when men's
apparel falls, so does economic activity. (It
also makes it harder to go jogging.) The worse
the droop in men's underwear, the less elastic
the economy will be.
It makes a certain sense.
When men are feeling irrationally exuberant,
they are much more likely to indulge in new
underwear, right?
Husband: Hey, I bought these
new underpants with pictures of Alan Greenspan
on them!
Wife: Stop.
But when the household
finances are tight, men are more likely to view
skeevy skivvies as a necessary evil.
Husband: I know you can see
through 'em, but I just feel like my underpants
are a necessary evil.
Wife: Stop.
OK, I suppose that if you
think your underpants are evil, you are probably
mentally crazy. On the other hand, expecting
your wife to have a sympathetic conversation
about your tattered shorts is probably
irrationally exuberant, as well. If you want to
chat about the droop in your drawers, you should
call the Federal Reserve. It has operators
standing by to take your call.
"Your call is very important
to us. For briefs, press 1. For boxers, press 2.
Para los calzoncillos en espanol, presione 3."
All of this is important
because of an April 9, 2009, study by research
company Mintel, which predicts sales of men's
undershorts will slip down by 2.3 percent this
year, keeping the economy on its knees.
You'd think having sagging
underpants would, well, wear thin, but over
hundreds of thousands of years men have evolved
a tolerance for bad undergarments. Cave drawings
seem to support this theory: In lean times,
hunters are depicted wearing very little in the
way of undershorts, while during periods
irrationally exuberant with bison, hunters can
be seen wearing pants with little pictures of
Alan Greenspan on them.
During this same time, women
have developed a tolerance for men wearing
saggy, tattered, thin underpants, so long as the
women don't have to see them or know about them.
This is why the chairman of
the Federal Reserve has always been a man —
because only a man can stand to look at another
man's evil underpants. Every January, the
chairman of the Federal Reserve emerges from his
hole and takes a look at men's underwear, and if
he sees that the undergarments are a mere shadow
of what they used to be, he'll be frightened and
we'll have six more months of recession.
That's where we find
ourselves now: Nationally, men's shorts have
become a toxic asset. Until people decide it's
time to pull themselves up by their waistbands
and get out there and buy some new underwear,
we're going to continue to be let down.
Trend-spotters, however, will
enjoy the fruit of the looming recovery and will
jockey for position at the top of the underwear
drawer.
Husband: Hey, all the guys at
the gym had new underpants. Time to buy real
estate!
Wife: Stop.
We will get through this, one
leg at a time. All we have to do is realize we
have nothing to fear but fear itself — plus bad
underpants. If each of us in the free world were
to go out today and buy men's underwear, the
Federal Reserve might declare an end to this
recession, plus there would be a lot of single
women wondering what they're going to do with a
pair of men's undershorts.
Remember what your mother
told you, that you should always wear nice
underpants in case you're in an accident and you
have to go to the hospital in an ambulance?
Well, that didn't make any
sense, either. So maybe Alan Greenspan knows
what he's talking about, underpants-wise.
To write Bruce Cameron, visit his Website at
www.wbrucecameron.com. To find out more about
Bruce Cameron and read features by other
Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists,
visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at
www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE INC.
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