You don’t know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

     You know you’re getting older when you bend over in the morning to tie your shoes and realize you didn’t take them off the night before.

    The biggest disadvantage of old age is that you can't outgrow it.

     The most frustrating thing about getting older is that every time you see an expensive antique, you remember one just like it you once threw away.

     She's getting crows feet around her eyes. And I'll tell you, that crow has big feet!

     Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

     You know you're past your prime when every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

     I don't like to do things now that I did 20 years ago–like look in the mirror.

     I'm middle-age, middle-class, and middle-of-the-road. I feel like that white stuff in the middle of an Oreo.

     Heck, I don't feel a day older than I did a hundred years ago.

     Sometimes I feel old enough to be my own father.

     I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

     You know you're past your prime when you start getting air-guitar elbow.

     Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

     My neighbors have been married for 60 years. They look like identical twins. One of them wears a dress. I don't know which one.