Baseball players wish reporters would stop asking them about salaries, drugs, and sex so the players can concentrate on the things that matter to them: salaries, drugs, and sex.

     Scientists claim that dogs will eat anything that's put in front of them. Gee, just like baseball fans.

     It's true. Baseball is as American as mom, apple pie, and handguns.

     (Player) spits so much, he shows up as a scattered-shower on the weather radar.

      Baseball salaries are incredible. It costs more to buy a baseball team than it costs to buy an election.

     Every baseball season the fans are afraid the players on their team will be traded, and (Expos) fans are afraid their players won't be.

     You can tell the major-leaguers in spring training. They're the ones who can stop spitting long enough to catch a baseball.

     What do you think, do baseball players spit all the time, or just when the camera's on them?
     Lights ... camera ... spit!

     More and more stadiums are bringing back natural grass. They have to. All that tobacco juice is killing the Astroturf.

     It's not that baseball is boring, but they could add a lot of excitment to the game if they'd give everybody a bat and have a goalie guarding home plate.

     It's spring training. Time to see if your favorite baseball team has anybody left on it from last year.

     Spring training is very important. It gives all the Dominican players time to learn how to say "renegotiate" in English.

     There's something wrong with a society when you can save up $2-million and still not be able to buy a left-handed pitcher.

     After football, basketball, and hockey .... finally, baseball--a whistle-free game a man can sleep through.

      More and more stadiums are bringing back natural grass. They have to. All that tobacco juice is killing the Astroturf.

      Here's an idea. Why not combine the designated driver and the designated hitter, so that after the 7th inning the DH drives all the drunk fans home?