- A tuba placed on your picnic table will keep campsites on either side vacant.

     - A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm, but eating a hot enchilada works just as well and is less dangerous.

     - You can compress the diameter of your rolled-up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

     - A two-man pup tent should not be used either by two men or a pup.

     - A potato baked in coals for an hour makes a good meal. One baked for three hours makes a good hockey puck.

     - In emergency situations, you can survive by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic in your underwear.

     - A large carp can be used for a pillow.

     - You can get even with a bear who steals your food by going to his favorite stump and eating the ants.

     - The guitar of a noisy teenager makes excellent kindling.

     - You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a garbage bag with two geese.

     - You'll never get lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

     - Bear bells are convenient for campers in grizzly country. (The tricky part is getting them on the bears.)

     I love camping. You haven’t lived until you’ve cut your way out of a sleeping bag with a Swiss army knife.

     An "RV" is a "home away from home." In other words, nobody is gonna make your bed for you.

     Today’s vacation question. When the signs in states parks say, "Don’t feed the animals," does that include the park rangers?

     State parks—that’s where there are more things that you can’t do than you can do.

     A state park is the only place where they have more rules than your parents.

     Have you noticed that all the gift shops in state parks are basically the same—only the names on the souvenirs have changed?

    There are so many relaxing things to do in the mountains: fishing in a mountain stream ... hiking up a mountain trail ... playing Scrabble with a mountain goat.....

     Why would anybody want to go camping in the woods? Everything out there will either eat you, bite you, or give you a rash.

    I enjoy communing with nature. I just don't like it when nature tries communing back.