I have no luck
at all with cars. When I die, my hearse will probably have to towed to the cemetery.
My wife had a flat tire. So she stuffed it with Kleenex.
I had a flat. I ran over a fork in the road.
I should have had my car fixed. It's been smoking for months -- now it's got emphysema!
My dad told me he bought his first house for $19,000. That's what I paid for my car. Well,
at least I get better mileage.
The new cars come with a limited warranty. The cost of any repairs will be limited to all
the money you have.
A limited warranty -- that's a warranty that covers all the parts that don't break down.
When buying a
used car, first you look around and see what's available. Then you make your
selection and hope you didn't pick a clunker. It's the same thing when voting.
I don't know why they call the smaller models "economy cars." They're more like
luxury golf carts.
It makes sense to buy a small car. For one thing, they're easier to push.
With so many
small cars on the road the tow truck may become obsolete. I saw a car yesterday being
towed with a riding lawn mower.
And now Washington is trying to force new safety measures for our cars. How ironic?
The windbags want more airbags!
Actually, the automakers like the airbag idea. In fact, by 2010 all American cars will
have airbag bumpers.
Airbag bumpers will be an improvement over plastic bumpers because they'll be made from
strong vulcanized rubber like tires. And each bumper will be reinforced with tough two-ply
radial Styrofoam belts.
Some of the new cars are so expensive only Oprah Winfrey is buying them.
The new Suburban is smaller, but it'll still seat three in the front, four in the back,
and two in the airbag.
They say bad news travels fast but I don't believe it. My car is bad news and it doesn't
travel at all.
I can remember when "Rubber Baby
Buggy Bumpers" was something a radio announcer said to limber up his lips. Now it's
what you get on your new car.
We don't need cars with passive restraints, we need drivers with passive
restraints.
I've got an idea for a great passive restraint. An electric eye in every back bumper. And
if another car comes within 50 yards of you, your trunk pops open and a machine gun
automatically shoots the driver behind you.
Or how about this for a passive restraint. When you're waiting at a red light, and a horn
blows behind you, a mechanical arm pops out of your back bumper and automatically slings
hot cream cheese on the guy's windshield.
I drive a "wind-up" car. After repairs, tires, and insurance, I wind-up broke.
Owning a small car can be a lesson in humility. Like when the meter maid writes out a
ticket with her foot on your roof.
The worse thing about owning a small car is that it cuts your dating possibilities down to
Barbie and Smurfette.
I've got a very old car. Very old. The water pump has a
handle.
This car is so old every 3,000 miles I have to replace the filter and change the prune
juice.
Cars are getting smaller and lawnmowers are getting larger. These days if a kid wants to
soup up his car he installs a lawnmower engine.
My new car is so small, this weekend it was run over by a cow!
Sure enough, the cow didn't have liability.
This car is so small, the cigarette lighter is also the heater.
All the new cars have plastic bumpers. They work great if you don't bump anything.
But plastic bumpers have a safety advantage. If you run into a truck with regular bumpers,
the other driver doesn't feel a thing.
Honest. The new compact cars are half plastic. They're made out of chemicals for
crying out loud. The wrecking yard of the future will have to be a chemical waste dump.
I took my car in for service, but Mr. Goodwrench wasn't there. He's vacationing on the
Riviera.
My income is increasing, my bodyweight is increasing, and the size of the new cars is
decreasing. Just when I can finally afford to fit a new car into my budget, I can't fit
into the car!
The worst thing about getting a new car is having to worry about putting that first
scratch in it. Maybe all new cars should come with the fenders pre-dented.
I don't want to say this car has a problem, but if you siphon the gas tank you get
lemonade.
