Boy! That's
the last time I buy a foreign car. It started going "Her-hick, her-hick,
her-hick!" I had to take it to four mechanics to find out that's German for
"Ker-chunk, ker-chunk, ker-chunk!"
I bought one of those electric tire pumps that you plug into your car's cigarette lighter.
It's not quite perfect. It set fire to my flat tire and inflated my cigarette.
I got a new muffler that's guaranteed for as long as I own my car. Big deal. The bank
owns my car!
Milk must be a good anti-freeze. I mean, think about it. Ever see a cow with a busted
radiator?
One mechanic is so prosperous he wears overalls with an alligator on the pocket.
Didja hear? One
automaker has a new model that sells for under $6,000. It comes unassembled.
For an extra thousand you get detailed instructions.
Have you noticed how American cars are slowing edging back into the lemonlight?
This year the automakers are offering the widest selection of cars we can't afford they've
ever offered.
New
computerized electronics offers an exciting feature. Every cop within two miles can video
tape your speedometer.
When I was poor I dreamed of having a two-car garage. Now I have two cars -- in my
mechanic's garage.
I think my buddy with On-Star has fallen on hard times. I dialed his number today and got
a recording that said, "Sorry, you have reached a disconnected Pontiac."America
leads the world in the number automobiles produced. That tells us something about American
workmanship. Of course, we also lead the world in the production of tow trucks.
I just can't believe an economy car costs $17,000. $17,000!! Why that's more than some NBA
players make an hour!
In Japan they have a custom of bending forward. It's called "bowing." In America
we have a similar custom of leaning forward when we look at new car prices. It's called
"fainting."
You know what's really depressing? When you go shopping for a new car, and your trade-in
won't even pay the sales tax.
Have you tried the new
beer they're making in Detroit? They say the beer's pretty good but last week the company
had to recall 100,000 cans for mechanical defects.
The pull-tabs were on the inside.
At least I have to admit my mechanic is honest. When he hands you your bill he wears a ski
mask.
I bought one of those new cars that talk. But guess what? During the warranty period it
won't talk unless its attorney is present.
So far I've paid off three cars. My doctor's, my dentist's, and my plumber's.
I went to see my auto mechanic yesterday for a couple of heavy-duty shocks. The
damage estimate and the bill.
They keep making the new cars smaller and more functional.
Next year you can buy a Kia with an optional lawn mower blade.
Some people think Pennzoil is the best motor oil. Others like Mobil-One. Me -- I
prefer Oil of Olay.
That may sound dumb, but my car has never been bothered by unsightly pimples.
And you've never seen a smoother, silkier dipstick.
Hey, I'm no jerk. I'm not buying a new car until I can find a place to park it.
The thing that bothers me about cars that talk is that sooner or later they could be doing
disc jockey shows.
My auto mechanic used to work with a pit crew at the Indianapolis 500. It takes him just
3.5 seconds to change your wallet.
I have a strong sense of patriotism. I might buy a foreign-made car, but I always insist
on making payments in good old U.S. dollars.
Great news! The automakers are hiring again. My brother-in-law just got a job as a
crash-test dummy.
I spend a lot of time these days at automobile dealerships. I can't afford a new car, but
it's such fun watching the salesmen on their knees.
My car has a gas-saving feature for winter driving -- it won't start.
In winter there are two ways to become a millionaire: buy a lottery ticket or buy a tow
truck.
