Afraid of flying because of all the terrorists and airline food? Of course you are.

     Want to see Italy? Of course you do.

     Yes, friends, with (Jock's) Vicarious Vacations, you can experience Italy without leaving your La-Z-Boy.

     For only $339.95 and the top from a Domino's pizza truck we'll send four guys with mustaches to say "Mama mia!" and pinch your wife on the hour.

     Venice? Absolutely. You'll get three pigeons, an inflatable kayak, and a tall dark plumber to come in and stop up your drains.

     Call now and you'll also receive an aerial photo of Sophia Loren. And, if possible, an audience with Howie Mandel's head stylist.

     Hurry, before you think about it.